Mr. President, I must confess, Sir, that I am concerned. No, I’m more than concerned; I’m alarmed. In fact, I am downright terrified. If there’s a word that trumps “terrified” for how I feel right now, only you would know it since, as you’ve said many times, you “know the best words” and who are we to question you?
Anyway, what’s got me in a sweat is all this talk about “witch hunts” that I’ve been hearing. You and all your important cabinet members from Fox News have been raising a ruckus about these witches being hunted in the government, and since the head hunter of these witches, Robert Mueller, has apparently arrested or indicted nearly two dozen of them the past few months, I’m frankly worried about your safety, Mr. President. Apparently, given the guilty plea by Michael Cohen, your own personal lawyer, and the guilty verdict handed to Paul Manafort, your old friend and campaign manager, there are witches all over the place that even you didn’t know about!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that these witches can be pretty sneaky. That’s how they operate: they get close to you and put spells on you without you knowing, and then you start doing stupid stuff that doesn’t make any sense. Before you know it, your house is in chaos, you’re paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to porn stars and Playboy bunnies without even remembering, and you’re jabbering like an imbecile in front of a crowd in Indianapolis!
And these witches don’t always look like witches. (Well, some of them do: I swear I’ve seen that Rudy Giuliani fella in one of those late night crypt-keeper movies they show at Halloween, so I’d keep my eye on him if I were you.) What I mean, Sir, is witches don’t wear pointy hats and fly on broomsticks. They’re more sinister and sophisticated than that these days. They might look almost normal, like Kellyanne or Sarah, but suddenly their eyes kind of glaze over when they’re answering questions and their eyebrows start crawling like caterpillars, and before you know it, you’ve been bewitched and you don’t have a clue what they’re talking about, even if they’re explaining what you just said.
These witches pack some pretty powerful magic, too, Mr. President. They can turn a man into a zombie quicker than you can say “No collusion” just by using some special incantations. Look at Paul Ryan! Or Mitch McConnell! Or most of the Republican caucus! One well-placed “Covfefe” in a garbled tweet and these guys are rolling on their backs, yipping like poodles! It’s horrifying, Sir, worse than having to read a book without pictures, and you know how torturous that can be!
Anyway, I hope you allow Mr. Mueller to finish the job of hunting these witches that have infiltrated the government before they really screw things up. You don’t want to take this matter lightly, Sir. If I were you, I’d barricade myself in one of your penthouse apartments without telling anybody where. I’d cut off all communication with the outside world and wait for the “all clear.” The country will feel a lot more secure knowing you are somewhere other than Washington, D. C.
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.