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Letter to the Editor: Yes, Santa, There Is a Trump!

Mr. President: Are you sure you aren’t moonlighting as Santa Claus, too? You sure seem as busy as Santa this Christmas, what with the gifts you’re giving us Adorable Deplorables, making America great again and protecting us from migrant caravans of nasty women and scrawny children. You’ve even found time to work on shutting down the government over the holidays, saving us taxpayers even more money while busily shopping around for some new faces for your administration – and doing it all with the grace, composure, and class that has defined your presidency since the day you took office 23 months ago!

Give you a red suit trimmed with fake white fur and a little elf for company (Jeff Sessions would sure come in handy right about now; too bad he’s gone) and you’d be the spitting image of Jolly Old St. Nick! Kids of all ages could snuggle safely in bed knowing that you, Sir, were on patrol, protecting us from the forces of darkness and destruction, otherwise known as the Democrats and the lying mainstream media! People the world over marvel at our own “Miracle on Pennsylvania Avenue,” the man who has made it safe for ordinary Americans to hate again this Christmas season.

Of course, I know it grieves you that you haven’t been able to deliver the one gift all loyal and patriotic citizens want: the beautiful border wall that you promised us on the campaign trail. First, those sneaky Mexicans south of the border betrayed you by refusing to pay for it, as you claimed they would; then the Democrats in Congress – and some Republicans, too, believe it or not – balked at coughing up the billions it would require to build the thing! They used all manner of phony excuses to explain why we can’t have a big, beautiful wall: it’s impractical; it would be ineffective; it’s a waste of money, etc. etc. The same excuses, I’m sure, that met your grand scheme to bring Trump Casinos to Atlantic City, and we know what a resounding success those turned out to be!

At this point, I think the only way you might be able to give us the wall we want is to pay for it yourself, Mr. President. As one of the richest men in the world, you could fund the construction the same way you’ve done your glorious buildings: you hire companies to build the thing, then stiff them when the bill comes due. Let them sue you – as if you aren’t used to that! You’ll have Rudy Giuliani, one of the sharpest legal minds in history, defending you in the court of public opinion. And if you can get Judge Jeanine Pirro, one of your most vocal supporters, appointed to the case, you’ll be home free!

What do you say, Mr. President? Isn’t a Trump Wall worth a little of the old Trump “deal making” magic? Pull this off and Virginias around the country will be singing, “Yes, Santa, there is a Trump!”

Mike Orlock

Sturgeon Bay, Wis.