Manifold Destiny

The thing about cooking food on the exhaust manifold of your car is that small things can make a big difference in the results you get, so the type of car, engine size, weather (a big one), traffic and even time of day can throw everything off. And there’s no good way to achieve any kind of consistency, which many folks will find very frustrating when a meal works very well one day and is a disaster the next. It’s all part of the trip, though. One day you eat the tamale, one day the tamale falls off the motor onto highway 99 and a crow eats it.

Portion size will also be a factor. You really can’t cook much at once unless you’re driving a ’65 Galaxie or some other old tank. Cars nowadays are small and efficient, making them bad ovens. But if you’re only cooking for one or two, then you can get by.

Check the weather, you won’t want to try this in the rain, you’ll end up with a soggy lukewarm whatever it was you put in there. Cooler temps are fine, you’ll just need to drive farther, which brings us to distance, an inexact science at best. My recipes are all a lot of trial and error, and cooking times (given in miles) all depend on the variables and sometimes a surprise – a traffic jam or road construction will change your dinner plans.

So get to know your motor. If you eat meat go buy a hotdog and wrap it in foil. If you’re a vegetarian pick up a veggie dog (you don’t have to eat it, just feel it up to see if it’s warmed through). Find the exhaust manifold and place the hotdog-wrapped-in-foil directly on the manifold. If you can’t tuck it in anywhere you may need a little wire. Then go for a drive, in-town driving won’t take too long to warm it up, maybe just five miles or so, and freeway driving may take as long as 20 or 30 miles depending on all the variables. Once you have a rough idea about how many miles it takes to heat something through you can gauge this whole thing a little better.

I drive mostly on the freeway, so these recipes will be gauged for long drives to Montana.

You’ll need heavy tin foil, maybe tongs or an oven mitt, wire, pliers and a plate. Oh, and somewhere to go. I prep food on the road. You can use your kitchen if it’s easier. I’m also a fan of simple foods, but your dinner is your own and you can follow your imagination and deviate wildly from my ideas. Like I say, this is inconsistent, inexact, prone to failure, inefficient, and frustrating. Bon appetit.

1. Asparagus or Brussels sprouts. Basically you’re steaming everything, right? So you’ll want to quarter Brussels sprouts and cut the asparagus up into about 2″ lengths to help the cooking process. I like a generous amount of balsamic vinegar, a little salt and pepper and some cayenne. Wrap them so the liquid can’t run out (make a little pouch, pinch it at the top) and place them so the opening is up and make sure you have a lot of good contact to the manifold. In my Kia this will take at least 100 miles in average weather. Stirring mid-way is not required. If you’re looking, it ain’t cooking.

2. Curry rice and tempeh. This involves some cheating, depending on who you ask. If you ask me I’ll say that I’m hungry and don’t have time to be a purist. You either need to parboil the rice or buy that little instant rice pouch (90 seconds in the microwave equals about 50 miles). I mix the rice with either a ready-made curry sauce or else I’ve also done curry powder and cayenne in water with either a little creamer from the truck stop or else a little yogurt from the hotel’s free breakfast buffet, which you can either bravely walk into in the morning from the parking lot (leave your shirt unbuttoned) or rent a room and walk downstairs from there. Mix it all up, cut in some tempeh or if you eat meat, you’ll want to cook that in a separate pouch and combine it later but it should take about the same amount of time. Always check the pouch so there won’t be any leaking, and be careful not to rip the foil. I normally don’t use double layers, but if I were doing a fatty meat I probably would just to be safe. Sausages, you know, have a tendency to pop and spray fat out of themselves and a grease fire on the freeway is going to suck. This one’s a good 100 miles and I recommend checking on it at about 75 miles and taking it from there.

3. Apple crisp. All I do is slice an apple pretty fine, drizzle with honey and cinnamon and sprinkle with granola. Wrap it tight and get it a lot of contact with the manifold for 40 or 50 miles.

If you’re a city dweller you’ll want to experiment a little more. When you’re stuck in traffic it’s hard to rescue your burrito before it burns, so practice at popping the hood and sprinting out with an oven mitt to grab your lunch before the line starts moving again. When it’s hot, adjust the miles down, when it’s cold you might need to add a few or make a simple air dam from sheet metal to protect your pouch from the icy cold wind streaming up under the hood.

I can’t say it enough, there will never be any consistency like there is with your oven at home but I’ve managed to cook a good variety of foods and have only failed completely on two occasions: one in Wisconsin when I hit a rainstorm and my hobo stew went from hot to lukewarm and soggy, and another time in Oregon when the tamales disappeared because I didn’t wire them down.

Cooking has changed with every car I’ve owned. I recently got a little Kia, which is turning out to be the best cooking car I’ve owned, plus gets the best mileage, so it’s important to get to know your car’s particular aptitude for this before you take my times too seriously.