One too Many

I’m sitting at the bar in Slim’s tavern the other night, having a few beers with Mike Palachek, when who walks in but Sonny McWherter. Although Sonny’s only been coming in Slim’s for three years, everyone in the place knows and likes him. He’s that kind of guy.

If all the women in Slim’s seem to be spoken for, Sonny usually joins Emory Blackwood’s poker game. If there’s a woman who isn’t, displaying a distinct touch of class and a relaxed smile, Sonny moves in on her. To those of us who’ve watched him operate, his moves are precise, but predictable.

With a slight gesture of his hand – always the correct one, it seems – he attracts the woman’s attention. If eye contact is made and continues he walks slowly toward her, sits down and politely introduces himself. After chatting awhile, he casually offers to buy her a drink. If she accepts in a friendly but non-committal way, Sonny continues to talk softly, until he decides it’s the right moment to turn his vivid blue eyes into a pair of bright winter stars – so women have told us – that transmit desire. None of us at Slim’s have ever seen a woman resist. What happens after that, as the night wears on and talk and drinks continue to flow, you can imagine for yourself. The last act is never played in Slim’s.

Jealous of Sonny’s inevitable success, many a man in Slim’s has sedulously studied his performance – that’s what the guys at Slim’s call it – and then zealously tried to apply it. None has come close to matching Sonny’s near perfect record of success.

As it happened that night, an attractive woman with long auburn hair was sitting three stools away from Mike and me. Without a second thought, Sonny immediately went into action. Mike and I just looked at each other as if to say, “here he goes again.”

“Well Mike,” I said. “Sonny’s in fine form tonight. Notice how quickly he responded to the possibilities of the situation.”

“I couldn’t help see it.” Mike paused. “Does it bother you?”

“A little. Sometimes I wish I could do it. But making successful passes at women isn’t what I’m good at. But Sonny is. It seems to be a natural part of him.”

“Yeh,” Mike said.

We both took sips from our beers and considered Sonny’s actions. Putting mine down, I turned to Mike and asked him why he thought Sonny was so successful.

Mike looked at me, thought for a moment then said, “Some guys are muscular. Some guys look like an expert sculptor chiseled their faces. Others know something about everything. But look at you and me – and Sonny for that matter. For brawn, looks, and brains, were not even average.”

I was listening to Mike but I didn’t see the point. What in the hell did any of this have to do with Sonny? I even began to wonder if the beer was getting to Mike.

“But to attach yourself to a woman,” Mike continued, “to spend an evening talking to her and then leave with her at the right moment for heaven only knows where takes something else. Sonny has that something else.”

“Something else like what?”

“Special features, such as a pair of small smooth hands, a gentle mellifluous voice, a vague helplessness in his expression, and a set of piercing blue eyes that shine like two bright winter stars. These along with his friendliness and patience make Sonny successful with women…at least with those he meets in Slim’s.”

“I never really thought about it that way,” I said, and a sudden feeling of inadequacy crept over me. “Doesn’t that bother you? I mean, that Sonny should have all that going for him?”

“Not really. Have you ever noticed that most of the guys in Slim’s never get mad at Sonny? They might envy him, but they don’t get mad. I think it’s because they know the things that enable him to win with women are gifts he received, not things he created himself.”

“Maybe you’re right, Mike. He must have special gifts like you say. Well, all I can tell you is I don’t have them and never did. I’m just a plain guy who got out of the army right after the war, came home, and took a low-paying job. To add injury to insult, while I was overseas, my girlfriend sent me a ‘Dear John’ letter. So here I am at twenty-seven, single, and lonely. I could sure use a few of those gifts.” At this point, I suddenly felt depressed.

“You’ve got more gifts then you think,” Mike said, trying to encourage me.” He paused and sipped his beer. I mean, look at me. Would you think anyone would marry me?”

“Well”…and I hesitated…“Let’s put it this way. You’re not exactly in Sonny’s league.”

“No, kidding. In fact, I’m so far from it, it ain’t even funny.” Mike paused and smiled. “But,” he said, “In my own clumsy way, I haven’t been entirely unsuccessful with women.”

“Yeh, I know. You’ve got Genevieve.”

“I sure do, and I love her. But there’s more to the story than that,” Mike said, looking at me and grinning.

Mike had my attention. “Like what?”

“Well,” he said, trying to decide how to begin. “You know I work for the New York Central Railroad, and my job involves a lot of travel that often keeps me away from home overnight.

I didn’t know why, but I was afraid of what was coming. It was the “travel that often keeps me away from home overnight” that made me nervous.

“A guy gets lonesome and needy…if you know what I mean.” Mike stopped to take a larger sip of beer than usual and then went on. “There’s this tavern not far from the train station in a large city – I’m not gonna say which tavern or what city – where I stop for a ‘nightcap’ before going to my hotel. One night I met Blanche. We had a few drinks and…Well, you can easily guess the rest. The real zinger is that because I came to her every few nights she didn’t think I was married…and I didn’t tell her.” Mike paused.

“So what happened?” I was almost afraid to ask.

“Blanche and I got married.”

“But you told me you were married to Genevieve and the two of you live over on Clifton!”

“I am,” Mike said, “and we do.”

“But how in-the-hell could you…I mean you gotta know that’s illegal. Does Genevieve know? Are you gonna tell her?” Complete surprise forced a flood of questions out of me. “How long have you been married?” I asked, incredulously.

“To which woman?” Mike asked coolly and calmly, grinning all the time.