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RePulse: Invisible Fish Creek Man Not Actually Invisible

A 47 year-old Fish Creek man was shocked by friends Tuesday when they broke the news to him that he’s not invisible.

Since he was 15, Jason Swarthson believed he had the ability to cloak himself with invisibility after watching the 1992 movie Memoirs of an Invisible Man. In the 32 years since he believed he had perfected the use of his powers.

“When I was in high school, it didn’t always work,” he admitted. “I would walk into the women’s locker room, and apparently my powers were limited then, because the cloak would wear off really fast and they would scream and throw me out.”

By his mid-20s, the balding, gaunt Swarthson had it down, and he hit his prime in his mid-30s.

“By then it was perfect, because I’m not much of a ladies man,” he said. “So I could go to the DC Fitnez when all those hot girls would be running or working out, and I would just stare at them for long stretches as they ran on the treadmill. Occasionally you could tell they sensed my aura because they would look over at me, but not make direct eye contact. That’s when I knew I was good.”

Swarthson’s mistaken belief led to some awkward locker room moments for many of his friends.

“I would be sitting down, putting my shoes on, and he would be standing right next to me, naked,” said reluctant friend Zack Jarnus. “I mean, he just stood there with his hands on his hips, inches from my face. It was horrible. I tried to pretend he wasn’t there, and I wouldn’t turn my head because I didn’t want anything right in my face, if you know what I mean.”

Swarthson remembered such moments fondly.

“He didn’t even know I was there!” he exclaimed, laughing. “I mean, I was right next to him, and he didn’t have a clue, he didn’t even turn his head. My powers were that good!”

Samantha Johnson had similar encounters with Swarthson’s “powers.”

“I would be doing my workout on the bike, in that front row of machines, and he would kind of walk around me,” she said. “He did a slow circle, with this creepy little grin on his face, and I would just try to keep my head down. Then, even though the whole back row of machines was open, he would hop on the treadmill right behind me and just walk slowly for the rest of my workout.”

“I always liked it when Samantha was there,” Swarthson said. “Sometimes, she would sense my presence and look over her shoulder in my direction, because she could feel it. But all she would see was the treadmill moving with nobody on it. She would shoot this crazy look, too. That always made me laugh.”

Johnson remembered it slightly differently.

“I tried to shoot him angry looks, and he would just respond with this creepy cackle!” she said.

Swarthson said he was sad that his powers were gone.

“It was fun while it lasted, really made me special,” he said.

“We haven’t been able to convince him that he never actually had an invisibility cloak,” Jarnus said, shaking his head. “I don’t even know why I’m his friend. He’s creepy as hell.”