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Stallone: Awesomely Bad

During these winter months, I keep the brainpower amped up by viewing one movie classic after another – a sometimes boring, if not troubling pursuit. I am left wondering why Citizen Kane is considered one of best films of all time? Did Quentin Tarantino have a dysfunctional childhood? Really, Sandra Bullock won an Academy Award?

To tap into the original concept of cinema – entertainment – once and awhile you need an awesomely bad ‘80s movie; and Sylvester Stallone, in all his glory, has created a stockpile.

Okay, Rocky and Rambo inspired moviegoers for years. Sure, he’s a movie legend, but the following movies are terrible (in a good way)!

Cliffhanger: Stallone plays a less-than-convincing Rocky Mountain Ranger, Gabe, a man haunted by a botched rescue which sent a beautiful woman in bad spandex plummeting to her death. But when John Lithgow’s evil character plans to steal a suitcase of cash, kidnap Gabe’s girlfriend, and hover through the peaks in a helicopter – Gabe pulls up his bootstraps, and incredibly tight pants, and saves the day.

Over the Top: Stallone is just a regular guy, a kind-hearted trucker named Lincoln Hawk who crisscrosses the country to the beat of ‘80s tunes, winning arm wrestling competitions along the way. Yes, arm wrestling competitions. And when Hawk is down on his luck, and his ex-father-in-law tries to take sole custody of his son, the only thing that can make things right is winning the national arm wrestling championship in a ripped t-shirt, showing off his massive, hairless pectorals.

Judge Dredd: “I am the laaawww!” In the year 2139, do-gooder Joseph Dredd, a Street Judge in Mega City 1, is framed and sentenced to death. Miraculously, he escapes detainment, saves his goofy, meant-to-be-but-isn’t-comic-relief friend from cannibals, and clears his name and reputation with the help of beautiful and awkward Street Judge Hersey, played by Diane Lane, who sports a bad ‘80s ponytail.

A remake of the film will be released September of 2012. Why remake this film? I have no idea.