Suzie Stretch

Suzie Stretch was a doll with elastic limbs, blonde ringlets and a terrible ’90s outfit.

It was Christmastime in 1995, and my young heart was set on one thing. Forget the cookies, forget the reindeer, forget the sing-a-longs. Suzie Stretch was all I wanted.

Suzie Stretch was a doll with elastic limbs, blonde ringlets and a terrible ’90s outfit. To play with her, you slipped your feet into her slippers, wrapped her arms around your shoulders, and then she would walk around with you. That was it.

Adult Carol does not understand what is fun about this toy, but 5-year-old Carol thought it was humankind’s most magical invention.

I wanted one so bad. I was a sheep, a pawn of Canadian manufacturer Irwin Toy Limited. The Suzie Stretch commercial, which Adult Carol recently re-watched, tricked my young mind into thinking the doll would give me a ballerina’s coordination and flexibility.

Seriously – the kid they cast in that commercial had mad talent. She’s doing back walkovers in and out of her closet and can jump into the splits like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

I must have assumed the doll was the only thing keeping me from those acrobatic feats. With Suzie Stretch I would be just like that girl in the commercial. I would be graceful. I would have fun.

Come Christmas morning, when I gleefully tore Suzie out of her box and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, I was in for a heartbreaking surprise. I wrapped Suzie’s arms around me, put my feet into her slippers, and still could barely do a somersault.

“What you said was ‘it doesn’t work,’” my mom told me as she recounted the story over the phone. “That’s when it dawned on us that you thought you’d magically be able to do those things. You’d just take off and land on your face because you couldn’t do a cartwheel.”

Enter, stage right: cynicism. Exit, stage left: self-esteem.

It sounds like I gave Suzie Stretch an honest shot, and probably had bruises to show for it. I eventually abandoned Suzie, resorting back to the toys less dependent on acrobatics and elastic.

“There was no way to make that doll fun,” my mom said. “If you can’t do a cartwheel, you can’t do a cartwheel, so you’re just dragging this body around in front of you.”

The conversation with my mom did give me one glimmer of hope for my young self – apparently Suzie Stretch was a popular toy among my kindergarten friends.

“It was like a mad rush for her,” Mom said. “You’re not the only kid that wanted a Suzie Stretch.”

I had some other observations upon researching my once-beloved Suzie:

• She is literally two-faced. One side is “awake Suzie,” the other is “asleep Suzie.” To flip from one Suzie to the other, you just have to pull her hair over the other side of her face. Who came up with this stuff?

• This was not a popular toy. Irwin Toy Limited also made Trouble and Sailor Moon, two memorable and still popular (I think) toys. Suzie doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page.

• Suzie was not a collectors’ item (so no, Mom, I’m not mad you got rid of her by February, 1996). Someone tried to sell one of the dolls on Ebay for $8 and had no takers. In the entire Internet, zero people are willing to pay $8 for a Suzie Stretch doll.

What Christmas present were you the happiest to receive?

“Fashion Plates.” ~ Tonia Van Boxtel

“The shiny red bicycle.” ~ Phillip Skultety

“A Cabbage Patch doll circa 1984!” ~ Britton Roth

“Our son and daughter were both born in time to be photographed under the tree with bows on their tiny foreheads.” ~ Cynthia Kraack

“English bike.” ~ Karen Kopec

“Secret Sam Attache Case and Mike Hazard Double Agent action figure (1966).” ~ Jim Lundstrom

“A Heathkit Crystal Radio in 1974.” ~ Fred Pilz

“An Over and Under .22/20 gauge. And no, I didn’t shoot my eye out.” ~ Johan Keller

“A Cabbage Patch doll in 1985. I still have him.” ~ Janis Petzold

“Lite Brite.” ~ Madeline Harrison

“A hamster. I named him Charlie.” ~ Sally Slattery