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that my partner constantly fusses over me like I’m a child?

“Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university professor over the last 15 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q: Why is it that my partner constantly fusses over me like I’m a child? She always questions if I’ve had enough to eat, if I’m dressed warmly enough, and if I’m getting enough sleep. I love her dearly, but just wish she would scale back on the nurturing thing and realize that I’m fully capable of taking care of myself!

A: Of all the problems one can experience in close relationships, this is certainly one of the less objectionable. But, for the person on the receiving end of such profuse care and attention, it can become quite intrusive and irritating.

Nurturance is one of the basic human needs people possess and can be defined as the need to take care of, or be taken care of by, others. In its most basic form, nurturance involves verbal and/or non-verbal expressions of concern for another’s well-being – both physically and psychologically. And similar to other basic human needs (see 5/1/09 column on the need for independence), individuals possess the need for nurturance to varying degrees. Some have a high need for nurturance, while others may register lower on the nurturance scale – and actually need not to be fussed over so much.

It’s been suggested that our needs for nurturance (be they high or low) may be shaped by our early family interactions. Perhaps we were the baby of the family and grew accustomed to having others “take care” of us. Or perhaps we were the eldest (or only) child and assumed the role of “caregiver” in the household. There are many combinations of learned family roles, and one needs to reflect on their own past family dynamic – and that of their partners – to fully understand how nurturing behavior is expressed and received.

While it’s naturally expected that parents will nurture their children, upon maturity to adulthood, the degree to which nurturance is perceived as welcome or intrusive is unique to each individual. Some regard nurturance as an expression of love and concern – while others may view it as unnecessary over-protection and consider it personally invasive – as in your case.

For example, I used to be friends and with a couple named Mary and John. Mary was an only child and the object of her family’s constant attention. Her every need was provided for and she rarely, if ever, had to do anything for herself. She lived at home until her marriage to John when she turned 21. John was also an only child born to older, middle-aged parents. As he matured, he grew accustomed to the daily responsibilities of caring for his aging parent’s needs.

Mary and John’s marriage was a nurturing match made in heaven. Mary needed to be cared for and John needed to provide care for her. To spend an evening with them was like watching a “Hallmark” commercial. Mary would lounge on the sofa while John would run endlessly back and forth like a dutiful servant, meeting and anticipating her every need.

One day, John’s job required that he go away on a three-day business trip. Prior to this, Mary and John had never been apart. As the day of John’s departure grew near, Mary began to panic and cry at the prospect of being without John to “take care” of her. John grew increasingly anxious about his absence because he would not be there to “take care” of Mary. On the morning he left, I watched from my window as John’s taxi drove away and went to visit Mary to see how she was handling the situation.

Upon arrival, I noticed a shopping bag overflowing with wrapped gifts. Much to my surprise, I learned that the bag of presents had been left by John for Mary – to nurture her in his absence. “Oh, that’s my Johnny,” Mary boasted. “He was worried about my being alone and left me a present for each moment of each day that he would be gone.”

Indeed, Mary had a “John just left” gift, a “my first breakfast without John” gift, a “I just got home from work and am alone in the house” gift, and so on. From my perspective, this gesture of nurturance was excessive and uncalled for – but for them – it worked. The point is, we each have personal notions about how much “care” we need to give or receive. But remember, that in all cases, nurturance is simply an expression of love.