Navigation

…that some parents avoid speaking honestly with their daughters about their first menstrual experience?

“Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university educator over the last 17 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q: Why is it that some parents avoid speaking honestly with their daughters about their first menstrual experience? I know several parents with pre-teen daughters who didn’t educate them about the onset of their first menstruation until after the fact. This approach brings unnecessary stress and alarm to their daughters, so why don’t parents communicate openly about this natural, inevitable event?

A: The reluctance of parents to speak honestly with their daughters (and sons) about menstruation is really nothing new. For centuries, communication about this topic has been shrouded in social secrecy and cultural taboo. It wasn’t until the 1990s that menstruation was addressed in mainstream television programming (Roseanne and Seinfeld), and in place of accurate representations, social colloquialisms (such as “Aunt Flow”) have been routinely used to “imply” the natural, monthly occurrence that’s experienced by 50 percent of the human race. While many believe the prohibition surrounding this topic is a thing of the past – sadly, this is not the case.

When teaching courses in the Psychology of Women or Gender, it’s customary to cover a unit on puberty and the biological and emotional changes that accompany its arrival. Each semester, my students prepare a written assignment that describes the feelings and events that surrounded their first menstrual experience. Now comfortably into the 21st century, many would be shocked to learn just how many young women are still “ambushed” by the onset of their first periods – wholly unaware of what’s happening to them. Some students write about feelings of terror, shock, confusion and anxiety, fearing that something was urgently and medically wrong with them. Other students describe an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment – with some going to pain-staking lengths to hide the “evidence” of their experiences from friends and family members. One student actually hid her onset for a full year before her mother discovered her “secret,” quite accidentally.

A parent’s reluctance to be direct and forthcoming is the primary cause for why girls experience feelings of shame and embarrassment. The failure to communicate openly with a child teaches them that their “condition” is inappropriate and unacceptable – sending the message that they have something to be ashamed of. But the plethora of physical and emotional stresses that accompany a girl’s first menstrual cycle can easily be offset by a parent’s effort to inform, reassure and prepare their daughters, well in advance.

Female students, fortunate enough to have been parentally prepared, failed to express negative or fearful reactions and frequently regarded the event as a “rite of passage” or “cause for celebration.” Therefore, a parent’s willingness or unwillingness to discuss menstruation with their pre-teenaged daughters appears to make or break a child’s ability to cope successfully with the changes they’re destined to experience. So why are parents so reluctant to speak openly and honestly with their daughters?

Because the onset of menstruation marks the “official” beginning of their daughter’s sexuality, many parents avoid the topic so as not to open “Pandora’s box” – as it were. They fear that openly discussing menstruation will inevitably lead to further questions about sexual behavior – a topic that many parents are uncomfortable engaging. As every parent knows, there comes a day when we must sit down and have the talk about the “birds-and-the-bees.” And while many parents may broach this subject with vague and indirect analogies – they’re often uncomfortable describing biological reproduction in specific and concrete, human terms. However, it’s only through open, honest communication that unwanted pregnancies and health risks associated with irresponsible sexual behavior can be averted.

Some parents deliberately avoid speaking with their children because they assume that the schools will “take care of it.” And while most schools provide sex education in 5th or 6th grade, for many girls – it’s simply too late. The average age of a girl’s first menstrual cycle ranges anywhere from 9 to 14 years; therefore, many young girls are likely to encounter their first experience prior to their formal school training. Moreover, many girls aren’t comfortable asking questions of a teacher in a public, class context and would much prefer the safety and security of sharing personal issues with their parents at home.

Naturally, discretion is in order (as with any other natural, bodily function). However there’s a difference between discretion and secrecy. Entering the family of womanhood is a source of pride – not shame, and this stage of development should be ushered in with honesty, integrity – and above all – knowledge. This is one domain where ignorance is definitely not bliss.