Why Is It…?

“Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university professor over the last 15 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q: Why is it that some people behave so recklessly after the loss of a loved one?

I have a friend who recently lost a loved one in a car accident. Ever since the tragedy, he has been engaging in very reckless behavior (like drinking too much and driving too fast). It almost seems like he doesn’t care about his own safety anymore! I can understand why he’s upset, but why would someone put their own life at risk, especially when they see how fragile life can be?

A: I am sorry to learn of your friend’s loss and appreciate your concern over his safety. And while it may seem odd that he’s putting his own life in danger, there are some psychological factors that may help to shed light on the situation.

Losing a loved one is never easy. Friends and family who have experienced a loss are naturally burdened with grief, sorrow, anger, and overall feelings of helplessness. And while any loss is difficult, emotional hardship is often greatest when attempting to cope with an unexpected or premature death.

Your question did not offer specifics, therefore I will attempt to address this issue in general terms. Overall, our success or failure in coping with this type of loss typically depends on our willingness and ability to allow ourselves to emotionally experience the full measure of the grieving process. In order to arrive at a state of “acceptance,” we must first acknowledge and pass through the difficult stages of initial shock, disbelief, guilt, anger and sorrow. It is not uncommon for many individuals to experience a sense of “denial” over a loss – a feeling of “this can’t be happening!” And while denial is a natural response, it is only one step in the grieving process and must be overcome before acceptance can be realized.

There appear to be gender differences in our ability to successfully navigate this road to healing. Because the grieving process involves powerful feelings of sadness and vulnerability, females are often more likely than males to “handle” this emotional rollercoaster. Because our society permits (and even expects) women to be “emotional,” females have greater freedom to experience and express painful feelings of sadness, fear and vulnerability. They have a social license to cry and seek out emotional support from others. In contrast, males (on average) have been socialized to be “strong and fearless” and are taught to repress, deny and conceal these unpleasant feelings. This can wreak havoc on the male psyche in times of loss – as they struggle to work through tender emotions while maintaining an “image” of masculinity. In many cases, males have not learned to cope with painful emotions in a constructive way, and tend to express sadness and fear through displays of anger and aggression.

There are many factors that may lead to risky behaviors following an unexpected loss. Because we all need to feel that “life makes sense,” when someone passes suddenly, although they did “everything right” (ate right, didn’t smoke, etc.), those left behind may feel that their own righteous behaviors will have no impact on their own well-being. This notion that life is merely a “crap-shoot” can combine with feelings of anger, grief, and helplessness – and this lack of perceived control may lead to destructive patterns.

In certain cases, we may also be burdened with overwhelming feelings of guilt (why did this happen to him/her and not me?). Unresolved guilt is a powerfully destructive emotion and can lead to risky behaviors in a conscious or unconscious attempt to “punish” ourselves for the loss. Perhaps we had been out drinking with our friend on the night of the accident, and now feel that we are somehow to blame. This dynamic is a common reaction for many soldiers and veterans of war, for example.

At the end of the day, I believe that survivors engaging in risky behaviors following a loss are reacting to unresolved emotional pain stemming from their anger and/or guilt. They are very likely “trapped” in a frame of mind that isolates them from seeking the social support they need to work through the grieving process. Human (if not spiritual) connection is the key to the light at the end of the tunnel, and attempts should be made to “reach out” in the spirit of love, kindness, and support. When offered in a non-judgmental, patient and compassionate way – it can make the difference between continued darkness and renewed hope for the future.