Why Is It…?

“Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university professor over the last 15 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q:  Why is it that my husband insists on having exclusive rights to one of the rooms in our house?

I share a home with my husband and our three children. We have a den that has a desk, television and couch. My husband has “claimed” this space as his own and gets very upset if I, or the children, spend time there. Although he is a loving father and husband, it makes us feel left out, like he just wants to be alone. Why is it so important to him to designate this space as his own, private room?

A:  While it is certainly understandable why you and the children may feel excluded, it is important to realize that we all have certain fundamental needs that must be met in order for us to feel well-adjusted and balanced. In the context of domestic relationships, sometimes our needs are compatible with one another, but sometimes they conflict.

Two such needs are the need for affiliation and the need for autonomy. We all possess these needs, but to varying degrees. The need for affiliation is related to how much social interaction we require. Those with high affiliation needs require frequent interaction with others and may feel uneasy when spending too much time alone. Individuals with low affiliation needs, actually need not to be with others at times. Just as a high affiliation person is apt to feel lonely in the absence of others – low affiliation individuals may feel overwhelmed and stressed if and when they’re unable to escape constant socializing.

The need for autonomy relates to our need for independence. Those with high autonomy needs require greater degrees of individual freedom. For those low in autonomy, the needs are to the contrary. These individuals actually have a need to depend on others and are less comfortable when faced with personal degrees of freedom.

The tricky aspect of domestic relationships is that our needs aren’t always perfectly synchronized. Partners and family members can easily misinterpret the actions of loved ones as personal affronts, when in fact, they are often merely expressions of personal needs. Whether someone is high, low, or moderate in terms of their need for affiliation and/or autonomy can be determined by several factors. Some believe that these needs relate to fixed personality traits, while others believe that our past socialization leads to our need for social interaction and independence. For example, if someone was raised with six siblings while growing up, as adults, these individuals may feel terribly lonely unless they are surrounded by constant social activity. On the other hand, it is also possible for someone raised in a large family to crave “alone time” and “privacy” from others because they were never able to escape the social crowding they experienced as children.

Only children often find themselves overwhelmed as adults when their own family structure is more socially demanding than what they were accustomed to. It might be helpful to gain additional insight into your husband’s childhood and past living conditions. Perhaps designating a “personal space” within the home is important because he has a need for low affiliation and greater independence.

Another dimension to consider is your husband’s occupation. If one has a low need for affiliation, but holds a job that demands high social interaction – the need for personal space at home will be accentuated. For example, my ex-husband had a very low need for affiliation. However, he worked as a stock broker and his job required constant social interaction with clients. When he came home from work, he would often disappear behind closed doors to read the paper and unwind. On weekends, when I wanted to engage in family activities, he preferred to stay home alone. I felt very neglected and lonely and thought that he simply didn’t love us. I would become angry and demand that he spend time with the family. Of course, had I known then what I know now, we may have saved our marriage.

The point is that, in cases like these, there is no “good-guy” or “bad-guy.” It simply boils down to differences in what we need as individuals. If this scenario sounds familiar, you should not feel slighted or rejected by his need for a private space within the home. In fact, the more he feels this need respected and unconditionally offered, the happier and healthier he will be. This increase in personal satisfaction will certainly translate into stronger familial bonds and relationships.