Why Is It…?

 “Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university professor over the last 15 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q:  Why is it that my husband appears to be having such a difficult time adjusting to retirement? We’ve both worked for many years and have always looked forward to enjoying our leisure time. But since his retirement, he seems so irritable and depressed. Shouldn’t we be enjoying this time we’ve been waiting for?

A:  Although it may seem ironic, many couples experience difficulties after retiring from their careers – and men appear to struggle more with the psychological ramifications of retirement than women do.

As discussed previously (June 12, 2009), males are raised with an “achievement orientation” that emphasizes their attainment of power, status and occupational success. Women, in contrast, are socialized with a “relational orientation” that emphasizes the value of close personal relationships. As a result, most men build their self-concept and self-esteem around their primary occupations, while women tend to associate their identities with the relational roles they play (wife, mother, friend). For example, research shows that if you were to ask a group of adult males and females to write down five words that describe “who they are” – men would be more likely to write down their occupational titles as their number one answer (farmer, accountant, electrician, etc.). Women, although gainfully employed, are more likely to write down their primary relationships as their number one response (wife, mother, sister, grandmother, etc.), while listing their occupations last.

This difference in identity tends to benefit males during their working lives in terms of occupational success, but may become a source of psychological liability after retirement. Because women tend to establish, maintain and focus on their personal relationships throughout their lifetimes, their core identity is not substantially impacted after retirement – as their relational bonds provide a source of continued nourishment to their identities. However, many men, having built their identities around their occupations, find themselves “at a loss” after retirement. They may feel like a “fish out of water,” as their primary self-concept is no longer an active part of their daily existence. Much like the “empty nest” syndrome seen in middle-aged women, post-retirement males often experience an overwhelming sense of loss and devaluation.

While the “idea” of retirement may sound appealing to us – the reality is that many men consider retirement to be an endless string of empty days without meaning or purpose. Depending upon the home environment, they may be burdened by feelings of displacement and loss of power, status and control. This is especially true in family structures where the wife has been a lifelong homemaker. My grandfather worked hard every day of his life. When he turned 65, his company handed him a gold watch and his mandatory walking papers. In the days and weeks that followed – he found himself puttering aimlessly around the house looking for any menial task to occupy his time. My grandmother, set in her ways, found his constant presence a distracting nuisance and interruption to her daily routines. Within three weeks, my grandfather fled his “life of leisure” and secured another full-time job where he worked for the next 20 years of his life!

When male retirement is voluntary, these effects may be minimized. But when mandatory – it’s as if the floor has been pulled out beneath him, stripping him of his primary identity and usefulness. Some men respond to retirement with significant changes to their moods and personalities. Some may become depressed, while others become irritable and short-tempered. Many post-retirement couples experience increased arguments and conflicts over decision-making, territory and financial adjustments – as the social dynamic within the home undergoes marked alterations.

Sadly, this can also be a time when domestic abuse may surface or increase as a response to the stressors associated with a major life change. Males may attempt to exert power over their mates and family members in a misguided attempt to compensate for their lost status. Older women may become abusive toward their mates due to their annoyance and resentment toward a perceived infringement on their home “turf.”

To offset the social-psychological pitfalls of retirement, families and friends should remain keenly aware of the potential loss of male identity by seeking out the advice, assistance and skill of their retired fathers, grandfathers and neighbors. And on a larger scale, changes in the social expectations between genders must strike a balance between occupational achievement and strong human relationships so that retirement is met with joy and anticipation – rather than feelings of loss, confusion and despair.