Why Is It…?

“Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university professor over the last 15 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q: Why is it…that I have such a hard time making friends in Door County?

I am a woman in my thirties and have lived in Door County for several years now. By all rights, I should be happy here with my professional year-round position, good health, and stable and happy relationship with a great guy. My unhappiness stems from a near total lack of female friendships. I have pursued friendships with females of all sorts from across the county, but still find myself virtually friendless. My existence here has been full of loneliness and disappointment when it comes to companionship from my own sex. I have tried to live by the adage that friendships are grown, not found, and have tried to patiently nurture friendships over the years I’ve been here. The problem is that these women do not reciprocate social invitations and often ignore communication from me. My understanding is that they are either too busy with their own families, or have lived here so long that they have enough friends. One acquaintance even openly expressed dislike for me, saying that I am "too nice." I do suffer from some social anxiety and maybe overcompensate by being overly friendly. My significant other wondered if some even find me a threat to their own life satisfaction, maybe because I am very independent and attractive (he’s a little biased).

I’m curious if you think someone like me just does not fit into the Door County social circles or if the women who live here are atypical due to the off-season isolation, lack of professional employment, or some other reason? Maybe my expectations are just too high.

A: You’re question has to do with the dynamics of attraction and gender differences in styles of friendship.

Your question is central to the core of every individual. Humans are social animals and, as such, have a need for affiliation (closeness) with others. And while you may be feeling alone and isolated in terms of close friendships, I assure you there are many others who feel the same way – even in Door County!

At the outset, I would caution against making blanket generalizations about the characteristics of people living in Door County (or any setting for that matter). While people may appear similar in outward appearance (race, occupation, etc.), each is unique in terms of their personal experiences, attitudes, and personalities. Once you convince yourself that you are somehow “different,” it reduces your ability and willingness to connect with others. Remember, as humans, we share more similarities than differences.

Research on close relationships has revealed that men and women have very different styles of friendship. Males tend to connect with one another through “shared activities,” such as sports, work, and recreation – all behavior based. Women, on the other hand, tend to connect through “shared feelings” – an emotional bond. When a group of guys get together to watch a football game, they are actually forming and strengthening their bond of friendship. Most women do not require an “activity” to share a bond. They may simply sit and talk for hours about their relationships and feelings. Can you picture a bunch of guys getting together on a Saturday night just to “talk about how they feel?!” Your sadness over a lack of female companionship reflects your need to share your intimate feelings with someone you can confide in. Have you ever seen the greeting card that shows two women, and reads, “You’ll always be my best friend…you know too much!”

Males tend to form friendships in close groups, while females have a tendency to designate a “best friend.” As children, females search for a “best friend,” but by adulthood, most have bonded into a committed relationship with another woman. Once a woman has a “best friend,” she is loyal to that friend and her needs for intimacy are typically met. This may explain why it has been difficult to establish a close bond with a woman, as an adult. A male is more likely to broaden his circle of friends, as no one, single male holds exclusive rights to that role. While many women already have “best friends,” there are others, like yourself, who are searching for that special female bond. Much like a “single” looking for a mate, women will seek out other women who are “unattached,” if you will.

There are basically three dimensions to forming close relationships: similarity, setting, and needs. Similarity has to do with the common denominators between people – such as similar values, backgrounds, and stages of life (marriage, parenting, etc.). The more similar we are to others, the more readily bonds are formed. You mentioned that some of the women you engaged stated they were too busy with family, and the like. Perhaps your current life stage is too dissimilar to their own and reduces the likelihood for perceptions of shared understanding (she has no kids, so how could she understand?). Remember that many women are juggling full-time jobs, as well as family obligations, and simply may not have the time to engage in social activities, regardless of how much they may wish to. Your chances of forming close friendships are greater if your target is similar to you in some way.

Setting has to do with shared contexts (work, church, social settings). Those that share environments are more likely to share experiences that translate into mutual understanding. One exception may be the workplace which often pits employees against one another in competition for promotions, etc. This may explain why attempts to befriend a co-worker have failed (especially if you are good at your job).

Needs are essential to forming close relationships and either compliment or conflict with one another. When the needs of two people are compatible, or complementary, they are more likely to attract one another. When needs conflict, the opposite occurs (like two magnets repelling, instead of pulling together). Some primary needs include assertiveness, independence, and nurturance. For example, if we need to assert our independence, yet try to befriend a shrinking violet, the result may be a mix of oil and water – an impossible blend.

Take stock of your situation and reflect on what similarities you share with others. Consider your social contexts and seek out others that appear to share your experiences on a regular basis. Assess your personal needs and focus your efforts on others that complement rather than clash with your personality. Your self-labeled “social anxiety” may sentence you to the expectation that close relationships are a lost cause – reducing your chances of success. After all, we can not succeed when we expect to fail. Find a happy medium between appearing too desperate and giving up completely. And above all, don’t lose hope. I am certain there is someone out there who is in need of a friend just like you.