Article posted Thursday, April 28, 2011 10:35am

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Happy Birthday Taurus. Go ahead and celebrate – buy yourself that turquoise Ford Taurus you’ve always wanted.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): An ergonomic revolution will occur upon discovery of the fact that you can adjust the recline angle of the driver’s seat in your car.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): People keep saying you are paranoid, but it ain’t no joke. Your computer IS judging you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): A message in a bottle is likely to wash up at your feet. Unfortunately, the message will say something along the lines of “You owe me money.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): With baseball season just getting into the swing of things, now is a good time to practice your “hey batta batta” holler.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Pay someone a compliment tomorrow and it will make you feel good. Or, demand a massage from someone tomorrow and it will make you feel even better.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Stay focused on work matters, no matter how loud the hyena to your left is and no matter how bad the rash gets.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You will encounter a flared nostril Tuesday.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your lucky cheese this month is ricotta.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Rhino wrangling will take on a whole new meaning to you after an unexpected trip to the zoo.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The answer to your question can be found by playing “Rapper’s Delight” backwards at a really slow speed.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A pleasant aroma will not hide the fact that you are being totally taken advantage of.