Leo (July 23 – August 22): Be a person of fewer words and you will find your jaw to be less aching at the end of the day.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Mix up your color scheme this month by incorporating more peach and turquoise.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): You’ll be disheartened to learn that you are not smarter than a 5th grader. But hey, at least you are taller than a 5th grader.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Stay focused on work matters, no matter how loud the hyena to your left is and no matter how bad the rash gets.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A cotton swab will become dislodged in your keyboard tomorrow, but it may ultimately serve as a swell handle for ear cleaning.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Always remember, it is not appropriate to root for the Vikings if you are a Wisconsinite.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Sidestepping problems will be a difficult task this week, especially since your feet are glued to the floor.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): More pacing, less racing. Steady gets ‘er to the finish in plenty of time.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): They say that lions attack because of fear, but they also say the lion is the mightiest on the food chain. Spend time pondering this paradox.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A piece of dust could make for a terrific friend. Try not to be so judgmental.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your lucky steak cut this month is tenderloin.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your performance in Thursday’s dance competition will not yield winning results, but it may put you on a fast track to YouTube stardom.