Article posted Wednesday, January 4, 2012 10:51am

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Past disappointment will be distant memory as the astrological signs point to you receiving a large inheritance from your insufferable aunt who always said that you would amount to no good.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): The meeting of your star, your palmist and your favorite bartender will prove to be your good fortune. As always, throw out your entire wardrobe and seize this opportunity to express yourself at large gatherings.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Take no chances this month. Danger is ever present and your path is strewn with obstacles. All this will pass with the next full moon. Until then, watch out for meteors overhead, and for all Buick drivers.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Monitor the bulletin board at the bus station for messages left there for you by mysterious persons. One of these notes will direct you to the international swindler who has the jewels.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): As Venus and Jupiter lock horns far above, continue to look for circumstances beyond your control to excuse your bad driving. The tall, dark stranger you nearly ran over is a forgiving person you should cultivate.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): This galaxy is not your comfort zone so consult a nearby tealeaf reader for more options. You control your destiny even if you can’t control your cat. This does not include the lottery.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Do not be re-directed to focusing on the wrong constellation in this critical time. Your path to the Extreme Makeover championship can be found in the direction of Pluto.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): A large burst of energy will reach your doorstep soon. This will give you the get-up and go that has evaded you for the past decade. Try getting out of bed before 10 am to test this new development.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your oculist and pedicurist are conspiring against you. Take evasive action and try the same tactics with the IRS. If all else fails, cancel your remaining ballroom dance sessions and take up contract bridge.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Signs in the constellation Ubangi tell you to cover your arbor vitae for the remainder of winter. This celestial period will reward you with a better understanding of the mess you are in.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): This is the moment in history when your ship will come in. Do not confuse the arrival of the UPS truck with this once-in-a-lifetime event. Wear a clean shirt and pick up after yourself, in preparation.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Spasms in the night sky are signals that the relatives are planning a repeat visit. You will have two options, neither of which will get you any closer to an invitation to Dancing with the Stars.