Article posted Thursday, February 2, 2012 11:21am

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Although you’ve been told that your age has dawned, that is actually not true. This is the dawning of the age of Capricorn. You’ll just have to wait 1,200 hundred or so years for your turn.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Birthday time is right around the corner, Pisces. I would start thinking seriously about forming multi-syllabic words and stopping the steady flow of drool that lands on your bib. You are no longer a toddler, so it’s wise to stop acting like one.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Sharp alterations of mood can be expected in these next few weeks. Lucky for you, the moods will be of a happy and pleasant sort – so do your best to spread the joy.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The debacle last month at the grocery store is bound to land you in a few lawsuits, but you’re going to have a blast telling this one to the grandkids!

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your inclination to use catchy buzz words and phrases like “good on ya,” and “phat” have caused others to question your true command of the English language. Unfortunately for you, attempts to explain and demonstrate your native tongue will be no less reassuring to your questioners.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): An unprecedented bout of good luck is about to come your way and you deserve it – just do your best not to squander your fortune over frivolous matters of the wallet or heart.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Although you are known for your impeccable sense of fashion, it seems that these dark winter months have seen a deterioration in your ability to properly remove the fungus between your toes. You have approximately four months before flip-flop weather; we just hope you’ll accept your mission.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your use of hyperbole is making everyone in the whole world want to pull out their hair and run screaming through the streets with arms flailing, horror-stricken looks and loud guttural cries.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): The traumas of yesteryear will soon be replaced with singing clowns, home shopping networks, and income tax returns, thus completing yet another annual cycle and ensuring traumas for tomorrowyear.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Like a beautiful billboard model, you care about that product. You care so, so much and it’s really very touching. Thank you, from everyone, for caring so deeply.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): There’s a bluebird sitting on your shoulder that should, if it hasn’t already, cause you great alarm. You really have no business being that close to a bird.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A shrug and wink can go a long way, but they can go even farther when you’re in Vegas. Remember that next time you’re about to fall for one of those “cheap airfare” ploys on the internet.