Article posted Wednesday, July 18, 2012 11:48am

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You will soon see a new direction in your life and it will be forecast in the next Pulse horoscope. Postpone the trip to sponge off your relatives and be at the newsstand to obtain an early edition of the July 27th Pulse when all will be revealed.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Constant pounding in the engine compartment of your trusty Buick is not a signal from the heavens. While messages will be beamed to you from the star Aurora Borebum, they will arrive disguised as an overdue notice from the gas company.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Note the position of Saturn before leaving the safety of your kitchen. Planet alignments are critical this dangerous period of adjustment. Regard all suggestions from the man behind the curtain as suspicious and decline his invitation to go anywhere, especially his place.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Good news for you this period. Your application to appear on the Extreme Makeover program has been transferred to the Biggest Loser show where you are in an advantageous position. Return phone calls from your relatives; they are not planning to visit until later in the year.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A spectacular meteor display will herald your involvement with the county’s before and after improvement program where you are a sure to be chosen as the before example. Avoid garlic and swear allegiance to horseradish during the mating season.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Open your snail mail promptly in this galactic moment. Do not expect the waiter to recognize you since you switched from the purple hair and contrasting flip flops to the polyester silkscreen assault ensemble which has frightened most of your neighbors and all animals in the vicinity.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): In this celestial circumstance, resolve to stop calling 911 each time your nature-loving neighbor starts his 4×4 heavy duty off-road truck. Simply go to a center room in your home and keep small children away from the windows. Remain calm.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Seismic signals suggest that your attitude could be corrected. Give your palm reader notice that you will not tolerate any additional false advice or counsel and that star positions support a claim for double damages.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You are second in line to inherit a bundle but interstellar activity indicates an impediment. Seize this moment in history to make amends. Resolve to be a better person and to dump half of your bad habits. Do not do it all until you move to first position.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Transmission of your horoscope has been interrupted by solar flares and the cable company is threatening similar action. Pay those pesky bills and renew your relationship with the loan officer at your bank. Wear bold colors this month but no more day-glow crimson.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Note the sunset tonight and watch for planetary movements to coincide. Confidence will be at your side and so will the guy you were trying to dump since February. Try texting and chewing gum as an exercise to increase your dexterity.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Reports will come in this celestial time period and it will be affirmed that you will be a graduate magna sum something of the Door County Charm School. Flaunt this fiasco while you can, to all those who do not believe you would ever amount to anything except large.