Article posted Wednesday, July 25, 2012 11:35am

Leo (July 23 – August 22): There will be important messages for you from outer space, which may affect your future plans. If you cannot receive them in the usual manner, tune to the Food Channel on your new flat screen between 3 and 4 am.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Beware of imposters during the new lunar cycle. A chance meeting with Elvis’ relatives will reveal the true meaning of the inscription nailed to the “No Parking” sign near your home. Your lawyer will also appear in a vision this month.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You will be cited for yodeling from the Peninsula State Park Tower after closing time. This is one more burden you must bear as your career struggles go on. Remain loyal to your leader and apply for food stamps.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The solar flares which only you will detect are signals that strength will flow to you and you will be able to carry out the mission for which you have prepared since 1989. This mission must reach Venus before year-end.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A celestial circumstance will coincide with your winning the Lindsay Lohan Award for creating a soufflé that never falls. Capitalize on this achievement by returning those hubcaps to their rightful owners.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): On the second dark night of the waning moon, discuss topics of interest with your beautician who will be in a better mood than usual. This is also a good time to speak to the relatives about their last visit.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): To prepare for the end of the world you should stop watering your perennials and devote your attention to this year’s radish crop. Signals may be faint in this critical timeframe so depend on your astrologer and change the kitty litter.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): News from your lawyer will soon reach you and it will indicate a better review from the parole board. Look upon this development as fortification that your star is aligned with your needs. Gain from this and pray for rain.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You are about to be contacted by a distant relative whom you have never met nor known about. This surprise will reveal that you will inherit a defunct pizza parlor in Roanoke, Virginia that is accessible at low tide. Borrow some waders and get ready.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A trip abroad is in your future. Exotic locales will soon replace the customary bar stool upon which you now depend for excitement and interaction with your fellow man. Tidy up the back seat of your car to show that you are shaping up.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Get a full charge on your cellphone before leaving the house this super galactic month, as vital signals will be sent to you. The howling of the neighbor’s dog is evidence that the moment is at hand. Dismiss your palm reader. These signals have a one-year warranty.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): This is the time for the new you. Stop applying that bargain basement fragrance with a wallpaper brush and recognize that you still have 43 percent of your body left for new tattoos. Three colored Mountain scenes can fit between your shoulder blades.