Virgo (August 23 – September 22): In this period you will be given the grand opportunity to speak before a large audience. This is a one-time event of significance and will determine your future. Seize the moment and begin by saying “Not guilty.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Celestial signs will indicate inner forces are attempting to counter your external weakness. Resolve to keep demon rum from becoming a factor in your cocktail hour personality. Forget your past sins, you have sufficient new ones.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Take notice of Saturn’s position and also where you left your car last evening. These are signs that you are losing it. You can regain the exalted position you once held but it means more dedication and less life of the party.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Circumstances that are causing your sleepless nights will change in the next lunar cycle. Prepare for better days ahead by reducing the speed of your personal watercraft and, instead, set out to rescue survivors on the bay and lake.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You will soon develop a new personality which will win friends and influence strangers. This will coincide with the new wardrobe you selected at the Pamida closeout sale where you acquired the four-key accordion.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Confidence in all matters is just a galaxy away. Turn to the night sky which you can see much better if you stand outside the bar. Remember, your lawyer is looking out for you and also for last year’s fees.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Expect a surprise in the month ahead. The palm reader who sends you insulting text messages has developed gout and will, in the future, be driving a shuttle bus to a nearby casino.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your horoscopic transmissions will be interrupted in the interstellar period ahead. Take precaution during this treacherous moment. Wear a helmet at all times except during church services and give the evil eye to anyone over forty.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Possible breakthrough just ahead. Your offer to sell Eagle Harbor at Ephraim to the Navy for a submarine base has reached the Pentagon. Only minor details stand between you and the admiralty and the Village Board.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Signals in the constellation Valmy D4 will spell out your chances to win the lottery. Prepare to forgo the trip to the tattoo parlor and focus your energy on getting your car out of the sheriff’s impound lot.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The bowling ball that turned up in your tomato patch is an advance celestial sign that next week you will find hubcaps from a 1985 Studebaker in your laundry basket. Count your blessings and check your email for benefits.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You will receive a windfall from a source that is totally unknown to your astrologer, comprising two truckloads of damaged concrete blocks and a handbook of 3465 tattoo designs that will fit your scrawny biceps.