Article posted Wednesday, March 27, 2013 2:11pm

Aries (March 21 – April 19): The keys to a successful road trip are a) bringing the right people, b) picking the right route, and c) owning a functional car. Better work on that last one before you start mapping everything out.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’ll soon grow lucky in love when a leprechaun shows up on bended knee at your front door. You’ll say yes for the pot of gold, but you’ll stay happily married because of his fun accent and roguish charm.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): I’ve got a knock-knock joke for you. Knock knock. Who’s there? Shamp. Shamp who? Yeah, you need some.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Is Door County ready for a punk rock revival? Can you revive a music scene that never existed in the first place? These are questions you must answer before launching your new band, Death Cougar Aerial Assault.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): That wedding you’re supposed to go to next month? They’re gonna play Jock Jams there. For the whole reception. You might want to just skip it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Personally, I hope to live to the ripe age of 82 before I die. Your pet frog may not be quite as long-lived.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Did you know that if you read these horoscopes and your friends don’t, you can use them to pretend you have psychic powers? Try it some time, fortune telling’s a great party trick.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime. Give a man an unlimited pile of money, and he can pay someone to fish for him.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Attempts to get yourself cast as an older Jar Jar Binks in Disney’s upcoming Star Wars Episode VII will fail miserably when you realize that no one is ever putting Jar Jar Binks in a movie again.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): When you look to finally ask your co-worker out this month, remember to chew some Trident Sweet Mint first. But then spit it out before you ask him or her. Nothing’s worse than trying to score a first date while you’re chewing gum.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Do not attempt to cheat by looking up successful design schematics during your school’s “Paper Airplane Fly-Off” next month. You will get caught, and it isn’t worth missing out on the $7 plastic trophy.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): It’s good to be the king, but sometimes it’s better to be the queen.