Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You must immediately obtain a rowboat and start paddling to lower Michigan. The U.S. Navy will blockade Door County for 60 days in an attempt to thwart the invasion by aliens from Illinois. Pick up your dry cleaning and the cat and get out now.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): The constellation Lumbago is nearing Earth with a message for you. Take up a position in the center of the Ephraim wetlands and await further instructions. Disregard all bogus communications such as those from Bill Clinton or Dwight Eisenhower.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Good fortune will be yours in this cosmic calamity. Look for new sprouts from your ailing crabapple tree and an attitude improvement at the local watering joint where they previously cut you off after six vodka torpedoes and a sidecar of demon rum.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Signals from Venus will reach you at daybreak, with instructions to meet Isaac Newton on Sturgeon Bay’s Steel Bridge. Bring pictures of your dog to this meeting and take notes of suspicious cars crossing the bridge, trying to spy on you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Wear your new polyester plaids for the next nine days so that you blend in with the dead shrubbery in your yard and foil the pirates who have come ashore to abduct you and hold you for a ransom of $59.95. These are the same pirates who tried to get $75 last year and failed.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Capture more inner strength by basking in the sunshine of the mayor’s smile and wear something less exotic so beams of fortitude can penetrate your outer garments. Fresh eggplant and a visit to Valmy will work wonders for that dormant personality you exhibit until the cocktail hour.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Keep searching The Ridges Sanctuary and the Ephraim wetlands. Old orange peels may guide you to the Fountain of Youth, formerly thought to be near Plymouth Rock but now certain to be somewhere in a golden triangle between Chambers Island and Lexington, Kentucky.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A cosmic commotion directed at your front porch is a certain sign that you are now certain to win the lottery. Paste your ticket numbers to the forehead of a trusted friend who has enough sense not to stand outside in high winds and postpone your upcoming vocal solo from the local church choir loft.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Respond now to the advertisement looking for a guide to Mount Everest. Your experience behind the deli counter at a local market gives you a huge lead in the stampede up the mountain and those boots you wear to wedding receptions are sure to help your talents be recognized.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Look skyward for a new sign that your trombone has been found at “Helen’s Perpetual Garage Sale and Bridle Registry Upper Door County Location.” Be sure you fill out the entry form for a drawing to win a used Sherman Tank complete with a night vision periscope.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): In this unstable seismic moment, take precautions to insure you are not followed by a Teutonic opera singer who believes you took her cape and miter and will bury them on Washington Island. The man behind the curtain will reveal a secret passageway for you to escape this predicament.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Small men from outer space are hiding in the trunk of your total junker Buick, accounting for the poor mileage you have experienced. It would help to boot them out and drop a few pounds of your own. Rachmaninov may call soon.