Article posted Wednesday, September 4, 2013 12:59pm

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Inner strength and outer girth will be challenges for you in this galactic scenario. A psychic reading will dispel the doubts of all those friends and relatives who have had you pegged as a complete failure. Confirmation will come from Rush Limbaugh.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Take evasive action this month. Avoid active volcanoes, major earthquakes and the margaritas a Jj’s. Your palm reader will guide you through the impeding dangers that you otherwise trip over at every occasion. Call your lawyer, who should be out on parole by now.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Note the position of Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, Orion, and Washington Island. These constellations will be a sign that the relatives with the pit bulls will be descending on you to show you photos of their trip to Dykesville. Treat them to your soufflé made with real lard.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You will receive good news and twelve copies of the Wall Street Journal from 2010. Together will the collapsing trampoline that is due to arrive in six weeks, all this excitement may be excessive and the stars advise you to remain seated.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): All claims to ownership of Chambers Island will be examined this month but already the galaxy U-No-Doppe is flashing advance information to you indicating that you, Oprah and Ponce de Leon have prior claims and first rights to use the rowboat.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Be advised. The position of Neptune and Forestville indicate danger ahead. Use the side entrance to the Church of Atonement as the steeple will fall off soon creating a perilous situation for all those using the front desk.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The hit song you created, “Too Fat at the Friday Fish Fry” will soon be number one on all twelve Door County radio stations and Donald Trump may call to obtain the rights to play it in the Ukraine. Be sure to charge your cell phone to receive his call.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your application has been accepted. You can begin the new business endeavor to provide hourly bus service from Valmy to West Jacksonport with continued transportation to the Peninsula Players parking lot. The stars tell that this will be a huge success within three to four decades.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Northern Lights that can best be seen from the roof of the Carlsville Convention Hall and Arena have a brilliant message for you about your wardrobe. Use your secret decoder to translate this message into a language you can understand before buying matching hip waders.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A series of jolts you experienced while driving your Buick through Fish Creek was an early warning signal that your friends have called the Door County Sheriff again about the texting, surfing and painting your toenails that might cause you to hit more light poles than last year.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): They system you invented to pick lottery numbers that correspond to the waist measurements of your relatives is a winner as predicated by all 41 planets. Be sure to get your money down before the window of opportunity closes.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The brightest star this heavenly period can be discovered in constellation Bailey. The supernova will be the cornerstone of your future and once identified will be known as Trixie Jennifer I. Pin your hopes on Trixie but do not use staples.