Assaying the Dreaded College Entry Essay

The arrival of September means that many of our high school graduates are now off to college. These young adults were all required to fill out an application and, more often than not, these applications require a student to submit an essay. While the themes they are required to write about vary slightly, the one constant is that the essay is the most intimidating portion of the application.

It will come as no surprise to any of you that, in the age of the internet, there are numerous sites devoted to helping college applicants with their essays. Among the many is one called “Essay Hell,” subtitled “Where Stressed Out Students Find Expert Help On Writing College Application Essays.” The site is the creation of Janine Robinson, the author of three e-books, including Escape Essay Hell.

For those high school seniors who will be facing the task of writing their college admission essay(s) this school year, Robinson offers the following list of 10 things you do not want to include essay(s), which I paraphrase below.

• Do not list your accomplishments. No one is interested.

• Sports. Whether you are/were a star athlete or you labored on awful teams, no one cares.

• Sharing how lucky you are. Your family’s affluence is only interesting to the accounting department.

• Writing an “un-essay.” The objective of the essay is to be accepted to the college. This is not the place for experimental prose, sarcasm, etc.

• Inflammatory topics. Keep your politics and religion to yourself.

• Illegal activities. Discussing your years on probation or how you really weren’t guilty of possession is distinctly unwise.

• Do-good experiences. Church trips, volunteerism, etc. should be avoided unless you focus on a specific, meaningful experience within the broader experience.

• The most important person/thing in your life. Boring!

• Death, divorce and other tragedies. For most high school seniors these topics are too broad and too challenging to accomplish effectively.

• Humor. Including a humorous anecdote within the essay is fine; making the entire essay humorous is not.

According to Robinson, applicants armed with these 10 “do nots” (along with the ability to spell and compose full sentences) should have no problem writing an acceptable essay on their college admission application.

And this leads me to what is arguably (thanks to the internet) the most famous college application ever written. The author/student was Hugh Gallagher who originally wrote the essay for Scholastic Press, Inc.’s national writing contest in 1990 (he won, by the way). Though it was originally written for the contest, Gallagher actually did submit the work on his college application. Here is Gallagher’s essay:

Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

“I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

“I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. 


“Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once singlehandedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

“I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

“I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

“I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

“But I have not yet gone to college.”

Gallagher’s essay not only got him into New York University, it landed him a literary agent. Today he is a writer and musician in New York City who has had work published in Harper’s, Rolling Stone, and Wired, among many others. His novel, Teeth, was very well reviewed.

Now take a moment to go back and review Janine Robinson’s list of ten “do-not’s” in a college application essay. You will quickly note that Gallagher’s essay breaks almost all of Robinson’s rules. So what can we determine from all of this?

First, beware of anyone who tries to tell you hard and fast rules about writing anything. No matter what credentials a pundit possesses, hard and fast rules do not exist – all you need is an understanding of the fundamentals.

And, in the case of a college application essay, the only thing the college is looking for from the essay is a sense of who you are as a person. Any essay, regardless of the form it takes or what you decide to include or not include, that conveys who you are at this stage in your life will, more often than not, succeed.