Guerrilla Gardening

“Football today would certainly not be the same if it had not existed.” – Elton Welsby, British TV Sports Commentator

We grovel at the feet of the “Curly” Lambeau of trees and shrubs, Michael Dirr! Dwarfed by his mighty shadow, we prostrate ourselves before his “Holmgren” knowledge. We deem ourselves unworthy of his “Bart Starr” greatness but beg for pieces of his divine insight. We stumble along feeling as fumble-footed as a rookie receiver racing to bring down his “Favre” passes. Such comedy can only be rivaled by the Happy Schnapps Combo during one of their game-day performances!

In the “World According to M.A.D.” (a.k.a. Micheal A. Dirr’s Manual of Woody Landscape Plants), every tree and shrub ever to play the game is painstakingly detailed – Botanical Name, Common Name, Family, Leaves, Buds, Stem, Size, Hardiness, Habit, Rate, Texture, Leaf Color, Flowers, Fruit, Culture, Diseases and Insects, Landscape Value, Cultivars, Propagation, Additional Notes, and Native Habitat. If the “stat” isn’t in there, you don’t need to know it!

The boulevard sliding past the Resch Center, ultimately leading to the Valhalla of Football, is lined with newly planted trees. Represented in attendance breaking record are the 150 million year old Ginkgo biloba. According to Coach Dirr, this tree will “become one of the most spectacular of all trees!” So, place your bets, ladies and gents! But if that’s not enough, Dirr continues by declaring that the “fall color alone is sufficient reason to plant the tree!” With such great odds, this one is a sure win!

Now here’s why Packer fans should plant Ginkgo biloba:

1) Perfect “guy” maintenance. After a hard frost the tree dumps all of its leaves in a single day. Easy cleanup!

2) Just like cheese! Sharp Cheddar, specifically. Ugly in youth, but glorious with age!

3) Tough! Are-you-ready-to-rumble kind of tough! The-Bears-still-suck kind of tough! Sack-that-wimp-Romo kind of tough! Untouchable! It has outlived all of its pests and diseases! Hoo! Rah! Salt tolerant. Drought tolerant. Bring it on! This tree can take it!

4) Fan colors. Green and Gold, baby!

5) But most appropriately, this prehistoric tree pulls us back to the ancient, to the tribal, to the glory of blood sport! Football!

Ready! Set! Hut One! Hut Two! Hike!