Why Is It…?

“Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university professor over the last 15 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q: Why is it that some men are abusive to the women in their relationships and how can I tell if my relationship is at risk?

A: Last time we examined the question of why women may stay in abusive relationships. This week, we will take a closer look at the characteristics of male abusers and what factors may lead to this destructive pattern of behavior.

As alluded to in the previous column on violence against women, males are socialized to be powerful, strong, dominant, and in control at all times. They are discouraged from the expression of tender or vulnerable feelings such as fear, sadness, and nurturance. Male children raised with these emotionally limiting traditional gender role expectations may encounter conflict as they enter into intimate relationships with females later in life. Because the roles of women are changing faster than the roles of men (it is more acceptable these days for a woman to be a working mother than for a man to be a “house-husband”), many traditional males may end up partnered with a woman who is strong, independent, and self-sufficient rather than dependent and submissive. For some men, this “new breed” of female may constitute a threat to their “manhood” and undermine the male self-concept as the “one in charge.”

However, research shows that it is not merely the “traditional male socialization” that may lead to instances of abuse, but rather an interaction of these traditional expectations combined with low or threatened self-esteem, and the general validation of violent aggression in males in our society. More than 80 percent of the toys marketed toward boys in the U.S. involve violent and aggressive role playing (complete with weaponry). Video games, movies and television shows mimic this pattern, as well. Therefore, most males are raised with the notion that it is their place to be aggressive (physically and verbally) and anything less may be labeled as undesirable weakness. Moreover, young boys who were exposed to violence in the home (either as victims or witnesses) may internalize violence as a method of conflict resolution or maintenance of power and status in the relationship.

It is typically the “traditionally gendered” male with low self-esteem who is most threatened by strength in others (especially women) and is most likely to engage in bullying behaviors as youth and abusive behaviors as adults. Even when engaging submissive others, these individuals only tend to feel “big” when making someone else feel “small.” Generally speaking, a set of characteristics has been identified that describe men with abusive tendencies. The following traits can be viewed as “warning signs” for partners who suspect trouble on the horizon. The common list of characteristics for a potentially abusive male partner includes:

• Strict adherence to traditional gender roles (men make the decisions – women remain submissive)

• Low self-esteem

• Prior exposure to abuse as children (victims or witnesses)

• Intense and often irrational degrees of suspicion, jealousy, and possessiveness (the woman “belongs” to him)

• Uses intimidation and threat tactics to get his way

• Authoritarian personality (what he says goes)

• Failure to take responsibility for his own actions (the abuse was “her” fault/she “asked for it”)

• Engages in isolation tactics (prevents or restricts female partner’s association with friends and family)

• Uses children as fear tactics (threatens to harm children, threatens to take children away, etc.)

• Relies on emotional abuse tactics in times of conflict (insulting or degrading comments that undermine female self-esteem or confidence)

• Believes in male entitlement and superiority

• Follows abusive behaviors with profuse apologies and promises for change

While it is perfectly normal for couples to engage in arguments (even heated ones at times), there is cause for concern if the argument takes an abusive bent. Comments intended to insult or degrade one’s self-esteem (you’re ugly, fat, stupid, no-one would ever want you, etc.) cross the line into abusive territory. Actions that restrict or limit personal freedom (taking away car keys, locking one inside the house, refusing/monitoring phone or email communications, keeping obsessive track of one’s whereabouts at all times, etc.) also constitute abusive patterns of behavior. It’s important to realize that physical contact is not required to qualify someone as an abusive partner. In fact, most of the wounds that arise from abusive relationships are, indeed, emotional and take much longer to heal than broken bones and bruises. Moreover, most verbally abusive partners become physically abusive in time.

Men who are abusive in their intimate relationships with women are struggling with emotional, psychological and social conflicts that must be addressed before any progress can be made. And while many women are raised to believe it is their “lot in life” to “take care of” the needs of others, we must be cautious not to extend our expectations for nurturance at the expense of our own well-being, or that of our children. If you recognize the patterns outlined above, take steps to ensure your safety and protection. The continuation of an abusive relationship only serves to enable the abuser, expose children to dysfunctional relationship strategies, and places everyone at greater risk in the future.