Why Is It…?

“Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university professor over the last 15 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q: Why is it…every Thanksgiving, women spend the whole holiday working while the men relax on the sofa watching football?

Every single Thanksgiving, all the women in my family spend the days leading up to the holiday shopping, cleaning, cooking, serving, and then cleaning-up again, while all the men drink beer, watch football, relax, and sleep the day away. Last year, I wanted to watch the football game too, but my mother and aunts made me work in the kitchen with them, just because I’m a female, while my brothers got to relax with the guys, never lifting a finger to help!

A: Ahhh…the time honored tradition of Thanksgiving in America! This common question/complaint tends to raise its dreary head every holiday season and is the pet peeve of many women in America. While we all appreciate a clean and inviting home, a wonderful meal, and time shared with family and friends, it is a statistical reality that the majority of work that goes into this holiday production falls squarely on the shoulders of the female gender. Of course, there are instances where the men in the family share in the tasks associated with holiday celebrations, but research shows that most are still content to relax with beer and remote in hand, while the women slave away in the kitchen.

Going back to the tradition of conventional gender role divisions, historically it has been the females of the clan that have labored over hearth and home, while the males provided the fruits of the hunt. And although the 21st century has brought significant changes to the division of labor between the genders, many women still bear the primary expectation of childcare and domestic tasks in addition to their full-time jobs outside of the home. In fact, a recent study showed that among married parents (where both partners worked full-time outside of the home) women were accountable for 80 percent of the domestic and childcare tasks! Because of the added demands on today’s woman, she is likely to be overwhelmed by the fatigue and stress of working an outside job, caring for the house and kids, and presenting the “Norman Rockwell” version of the down-home Thanksgiving feast and Christmas celebration.

Stress can quickly transform into resentment, as the average woman struggles to accomplish these feats, while watching (and in many cases serving) the male folk while they lay sprawled out in front of the television screen. Younger members of the new generation observe (and feel compelled to model) the behaviors of their elders – and so the cycle continues. As in your case, during the holiday season, many young women are urged (either by subtle suggestion or overt demands), to comply with this inequitable division of labor for women and leisure for men. Even males who are willing to break the gender barrier and offer help may find themselves the victims of ridicule by other males in the “living-room” clan.

This is not to suggest that women don’t enjoy providing their families with the festivities and trimmings that come with the holiday season. In many cases they do. However, they also enjoy (and deserve) time spent with family and friends (many of whom they may only see once a year), as well as time to kick back and relax themselves. One year, I was told by one “couch-based” husband that the women appear to “enjoy hanging out together – judging from the ongoing chatter streaming from the kitchen.” Would anyone like to venture a guess as to what they were chattering about? As the saying goes – misery loves company!

So this holiday season, let us take stock of what we can do to provide a thankful and equitable experience for all concerned. Have all able family members share equally in the joyous (and not so joyous) tasks of the holidays. Set fair and just examples and expectations for children of the next generation that emphasize partnership and cooperation – regardless of gender. And realize that the real gift of the holiday season comes from the value of time shared with loved ones – even if it means that while I wash – you’ll dry!