Article posted Thursday, March 4, 2010 5:14pm

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A mid-day snack will turn unpleasant when a co-worker takes it upon herself to read the package’s label aloud with dramatic emphasis.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The level of ink in your cartridge is dangerously low. You can shake it all you want, but don’t expect any miracles.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your crush on Captain Kangaroo will fade as you begin to discover the subtle, beckoning intrigue of Colonel Sanders.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your lucky holiday this month is St. Patrick’s Day, which makes for an incredible happenstance since St. Patrick’s Day is already the luckiest of them all.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A shiny penny will be the temptation leading to your journey below a manhole cover on Jefferson Street. Sadly, the penny will later be revealed as a pendant from a Barbie Doll necklace.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A candid photograph will serve as a painful reminder of your close relation to the primate family.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Although typically you find it difficult to refrain from micro-managing the butter application on your popcorn at the local movie theater, you will find it quite easy this week because you’ve been properly put in your place.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Now that the Olympics are over, you are probably a little sad – you and 303 million other Americans who are lost without an hourly dose of Bob Costas.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You’ve often wondered what you’d do with a million dollars. This week, however, a millionaire is going to wonder what to do with you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You’re a sucker for effective vacuums and potent bleach – and you put a high premium on clean, hairless households – but don’t let that stop you from giving hair plugs a try.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A ferocious odor at your local gym last Tuesday shall not be forgotten soon, and may even be retroactively designated a tropical depression.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A steady hand will be crucial in next Wednesday’s attempt to re-fasten the cuff on grandma’s pants.