Article posted Thursday, July 8, 2010 12:34pm

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Avoid left turns until the new moon phase has past. This will also be the sign that you can set up your laptop to receive signals from Pluto or a far away palm reader.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your best days will increase now that you have discontinued most flavors of Jell-O. Take time to jot license plate numbers from Indiana and Spain.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): In alignment this period the stars will tell your subconscious that there is 65¢ in the coin return of the pay phone at the Target store.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your Census form should be returned to you marked “incomplete.” Your application to become a Supreme Court Justice will be acted upon this month. Set out your empty milk bottles.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): In the very near future you will be chosen as the leader of the former Soviet Union. Radishes will grow better if planted under your back porch. Your parking meter is about to expire.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Turn your mattress this month. If Donald Trump calls collect, accept the charges. Aunt Agatha does not want your snow tires.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): There is no business like show business so step into the spotlight but watch out for potholes on County EE. The purse you found at church is no the answer to your prayers for money.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): This is the month to tie your shoelaces in sturdy knots instead of bows and to pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. If you see Elvis, ask for identification.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Investigate Diptheria this month as all your astrological signs say: “Go for it.” If your dog growls at Uncle Bob, there is good reason which will be revealed soon.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Now that the other finalist has been convicted, you have smooth sailing and will be awarded the set of snare drums and matching cymbals. Set your clock to Pacific Time. Further instructions will follow.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This month you should remove your galoshes. Danger has passed except for the suspicious lady in the large SUV who parks in the handicapped space and limps if she sees that you are watching.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): If you receive vibrations, switch hardware stores at once. Take note of all US currency in circulation and do not spend fifty dollar bills with Hillary Clinton’s picture on them. Donald Trump’s are ok.