Article posted Thursday, October 7, 2010 1:08pm

Leo (July 23 – August 22): There will never be a better day than tomorrow as the sun and moon are in harmonic discord. This is your chance to appear at “American Idol” auditions with your snare drums.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You should disregard authority this period. All signs indicate your free spirit will be in good working order. Share a peanut butter sandwich with your astrologer.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Tourists will look to you in the days ahead. Provide then with precise directions to the tomb of Benedict Arnold who is buried in Peninsula State Park under a fig tree.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A great mystery will be unraveled for you. Your hip waders have been located in Nebraska. Remember to send your aunt a sack of grapefruit.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Great balls of fire will precede your acceptance into the Valmy Historical Society and General Thresheree. Keep a watchful eye on your milkman during Octoberfest.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Sister Bay will be your ultimate destination this lunar period. Do not attempt to go to Gills Rock until signs appear in your vestibule.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You will soon learn that your soufflé has won the Gills Rock Bake-Off as the only one that did not collapse after two days outdoors. Seek a recipe patent on your addition of eight ounces of starch per egg.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Interstellar signals are your guidepost. Do not rely any longer on direction from the man behind the curtain who is now working part-time at the Egg Harbor Convention Center as a greeter.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A bright future is before you. It will unfold as you accelerate away from despair and also Dykesville. Check with you doctor about a discount on a hip replacement in the off-season.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Messages that were blocked in space can be received on cable channel 980 and will indicate that your many maladies will soon be cured and that your tomatoes are superior to those of your neighbors.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A vast conspiracy will be foiled and thus you will no longer be responsible for the national debt. Celebrate be having a double shot of vodka in your prune juice.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): It is your celestial period to shine. Have your Buick washed and get those bushels of turnips off the passenger seat in preparation for a victory lap to Algoma.