Article posted Wednesday, March 28, 2012 11:31am

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Clearing your mind of all celestial thoughts to make way for the apocalypse in four months is advised. Stockpile canned soup and don’t travel without a can opener during the entire month of July.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Mr. Right will walk into your life while Mr. Right Now got up from his barstool to use the bathroom. Don’t delay your transition and escape, as Mr. Right is only going to have to go Number 1.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A title of the paper and property variety is within sight. Skip those two lattes a day for five more years and you’ll have the down payment on hand.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Doritos and Bugles will make reappearance in your life at an unexpected fundraiser. Resist the urge to eat either, as the yellow food coloring will wear off on your fingertips and leave a dusty impression on the sponsor you’re trying to secure a million bucks from.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The dinosaurs in your backyard will be excavated but no such luck will occur with the spiders in the corner of your office.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): It’s time to do that spring cleaning you’ve been putting off. Start with that icky substance behind your ear and the lollipop goop off the center console of your car.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A tape dispenser and a bologna sandwich will come in handy on March 31st. Be sure to keep both handy and invest heavily in Scotch and Oscar Meyer before it’s too late.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Prepare for the worst day of your life the Tuesday after next Friday. No amount of lemonade will make you feel better about it so try sipping some ice cold milk.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): To avoid a mushy brain, eat lots of spinach, carrots and wheat germ. To avoid a soggy brain, eat purple potatoes, turkey drumsticks and orange rinds.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): If you thought that that daffodil was staring at you. You’re wrong. It was talking to you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Think you’re ready to ride that wave? Think again. Your complete lack of coordination will be evident when your toes touch the water.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your professional life is on the rise. Be sure to launch your write-in campaign for every imaginable race in Door County immediately.