Article posted Tuesday, June 18, 2013 2:52pm

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Congratulations will come your way this month when results of the Ellison Bay bake-off are announced and your corn bread entry is judge to taste most like tree bark. You may get more recognition for those parachute pants in Day-Glo green.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The courts will decide in your favor and on the next full moon, find a check in the mail for $23.75, the value of that junker you drove into the sinkhole south of Sturgeon Bay. Drop your claim for additional damages and cash that check pronto.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Ill winds are being directed towards you and this time it is not your neighbor’s cook-out with the Belgian Tripp mixed with last year’s leftover Booyah. Be advised to stay indoors until your lawyer and palm reader give you the green light.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Do not accept substitutes in this, your most critical horoscopic time interval. Danger is at every corner, especially the way you drive. Seek the advice of a trusted friend and get your affairs in order. This will be a Herculean task so be sure you eat your vegetables.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): The heavens forecast that you will receive a re-charged inner strength and an outer serenity. While too much coffee may poke a hole in this balloon, be steadfast that you intend to shape up and get your closet cleaned out. Take that stuff to the dumpster, not the dry cleaners.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Note the position of Ursa Major and the constellation X-Valmy Virgo. These coordinates will help you locate your car. The man behind the curtain will also assist, so tell him which tavern was your most likely last stop.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A cosmic calamity can be controlled by calculating carefully. You must first observe all 29 planets and send email messages to those relatives to whom you owe money. Advise all that you intend to repent and you plan to return all those CDs that you borrowed in 2010.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Remain alert in this exciting celestial season and you will have an opportunity to discover a brilliant new star, Roxy Jennifer I which will shine upon you and transform your dull, unimaginative life into a glorious new beginning. This star cannot, however, solve your current financial difficulties. Contact Roxy now.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your future will be bright now that you have dropped fifteen pounds. Consult your doctor on how to lose the remaining 45. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain who is recommending 60 and is also suggesting a new wardrobe without flamingo pink as the focal point.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Past indiscretions will vaporize and you will feel a heavy yoke lifted from your shoulders. Plant radishes this month, take the dog for a suitable walk and take a bath with the dog whether you need it or not. Chances are both of you will be refreshed.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Even though past attempts to get rid of your wardrobe without detection have failed, the stars forecast that this try will be successful. As soon as your neighbor sets out his garbage can and returns to his house, take your clothes and dump them in his container. Exit the area promptly.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The orbit of Saturn will play a vital role in your rehabilitation. Contact the local soothsayer for advice on how to play this scenario to your advantage. Also, return your books to the library. A chance meeting with your dentist is further indication of a successful day at the racetrack.