An Outlook

As most of my readers know, I have an abiding dislike for dogs being allowed at festivals. I first voiced my objections almost 15 years ago, and I have continued to do so throughout the years, particularly around the time of Sister Bay’s Fall Fest. Well, guess what folks? This year is no different…except for a development this past summer that led to much of what you are about to read.

Before I go any further, a little background is in order. Approximately 10 years ago, Barb and I escaped the peninsula for a weekend in Cedarburg. As it turned out, this weekend happened to coincide with Cedarburg’s Autumn Festival – a turn of events that caught us both by surprise.

Well, with no choice but to make the best of our situation, we wandered through stores and up and down streets and pretended nothing unusual was occurring. But then, to my wife’s consternation, I began to notice the number of dogs – far more than we had ever seen in the downtown district in previous visits. Thus, I concluded that, just like Sister Bay, Cedarburg had a problem with people bringing dogs to festivals. But closer inspection on my part led to a startling revelation: not only were there a vast number of dogs at the Cedarburg festival, these were the same dogs I saw every year at Sister Bay’s Fall Fest!

At first Barb thought I was out of my mind, but as I pointed out various dogs, she reached the same conclusion. The question that remained was, “How could this possibly be true?”

The following year, we planned our getaway to Cedarburg to coincide with the Autumn Fest, and this time I was prepared to investigate. Barb and I arrived one day before the festival was scheduled to start and, with help from two friends from Chicago – Caslon Bold and Franklin Gothic – I discovered a large gathering of dogs at the outskirts of the town, planning their course of action over the next few days. This group was led by a canine the others called One Dog and, after thorough surveillance, I discovered that One Dog and his group traveled across the state, duping local residents into bringing them to that area’s festival.

In other words, folks, the dogs I saw in Cedarburg were, indeed, the same dogs I saw year after year in Sister Bay. The humans accompanying them changed, but the dogs were always the same.

My discovery of One Dog and his pack has led to some tense moments through the years. One Dog has threatened my family, and particularly my cats, but I have been undeterred in my ongoing campaign to ban dogs from festivals.

So that brings us to this summer when a regular customer in the bookstore brought me the front section of the Cedarburg newspaper. The lead headline, directly underneath the masthead read, “Cedarburg Bans Dogs at Festivals.” You can only imagine the leap of joy my heart took within my chest.

Since this time, I have been waiting to hear from One Dog. I knew he would never accept this turn of events without some sort of communiqué and/or retribution. And, sure enough, this Wednesday I arrived at the bookstore to find a somewhat mud-smeared letter shoved between the front doors:

Most Despicable and Reviled Biped,
You most assuredly have learned that a town you frequent has disallowed my pack at their festivities. Know that we hold you as the sole responsible party for this action. Too long have you meddled in our business and now you have caused a significant problem. Similar actions by you will no longer be tolerated. We will be at Fall Fest and we will be watching you. Threats have not worked in the past. Action is now required on our part and by myself, One Dog, in particular. When not downtown, I will be stalking your cats. Indoor cats are not safe. I will get to them. Then you will learn that we are not to be disrespected nor are we to be trifled with. Until Friday, I am
One Dog

I leave you, this issue of the Pulse, with my response to the above missive.

One Dog,
While it is flattering that you believe I have the power to influence anything that goes on in a community that is not my own, you should know that I had nothing whatsoever to do with the Cedarburg decision. Indeed, within my own community I have so little influence – despite 15 years of published objections – that your pack will not only be able to participate in the Fall Fest parade past my bookstore, you will also enjoy a “Dog Show” on Saturday in the downtown park, an outlandish turn of events made all the more preposterous by the fact that our downtown parks are clearly posted “No Dogs Allowed.”
As for my cats, they have been made aware of your intentions and while Oliver is rather old and slow, Dickens is relishing your arrival. You should know that, at the tender age of 5 months, Dickens put me in a hospital emergency room having staples put into my head to close the gash he inflicted. So if you do enter my home when no bipeds are around, have a great time with Dickens. I won’t even mind cleaning up your blood.
See you Friday,
The despised biped from the village hosting the mixed-message festival this weekend.