Mr. President: You did it! You’ve accomplished the impossible! The doubters among the elites and fake news media are left, mouths agape, standing in awe of your orange magnificence! You have not only assured world peace into the next millennium by single handedly ending the Korean War and denuclearizing the peninsula, you have made America “Great Again” in sixteen short months!
We have become, under your steady stewardship, that mystical, mythical country we always imagined we could be. Other presidents only talked about America’s promise, about our potential to be a force for good in the world; but you, Sir, have delivered – bigly!
Just consider: We no longer live under the burden of facts, statistics and data! If we don’t like an unpleasant truth, we can follow your divinely inspired guidance and just ignore it. We can tweet, with deep conviction, “Sticks and Stones might break some bones, but Facts will never faze us!” All we need to fly is a magic feather! All we need to believe is you!
Collusion with Russia? What collusion? How do we even know there is a place called Russia? I’ve never seen it, except on some maps manufactured by Fake News organizations.
Corruption in the EPA? What corruption? And what’s the EPA? I’ve never seen it, never known anybody who has been inside the building!
Extra-marital affairs? Sexual harassment? Porn stars? Playboy bunnies? Hundred thousand dollar payoffs? Fixers “fixing” and pleading the Fifth? Unethical business practices? Lies, lies, and more lies? We can make it all go away just like you do, Sir, by tuning in to Fox & Friends each morning!
If only Washington, Lincoln, and Roosevelt could have known the wonders of magical projection as patented and practiced by you, our first “Post-Truth” President and in-house Pixie Dust Purveyor, the country could have been spared the unpleasantness of Revolution, Civil War, and World War. We could have cavorted like antelope from sea to shining sea, blithely believing that Trump trumps all evil, all malice, all things Clinton and Obama! We would rest our happy little heads at night with visions of Sugar Plums pole-dancing in our dreams, a lullaby softly sung on our lips that Tax Cuts are for us and the wall will keep us safe, and that, in the end, the only thing that matters is you, Mr. President, wonderful wonderful you!
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.