Manners Matter: Time to Visit Gramps

Dear Mary Pat,

My grandpa has been in a nursing home for over a year now and he is having a really hard time adjusting. I’m five hours away by car and drive to see him every other month. I would love to see him more often but between my job and my family it’s really hard to get away. My brother lives 10 miles from the nursing home and has only been to visit him once. Regular visits from my brother would really cheer my grandpa up and I’m so frustrated that he isn’t making this a bigger priority. I’ve tried asking nicely and asking not so nicely and can’t seem to get through to him. Any ideas on how I can convince my brother to visit more often?

Signed,

Visits for Gramps

Chicago, Ill.

Dear Visits for Gramps,

A regular move can be a huge adjustment but a move to a nursing home is a whole other level of change. There’s the loss of independence and loss of being able to leave the premises in some cases.

Have you tried simply asking your brother what his issue is? Is it just laziness or is there something else going on here? Maybe he’s having a hard time accepting that your grandpa is aging. Maybe he’s nervous about going on his own. Nursing homes can feel like hospitals for some and that can be intimidating. Why don’t you suggest going together the next time you’re in town? If you are with him, maybe you’ll get to the bottom of your brother’s reluctance to visit. Gently remind him that your grandpa won’t be here forever and that visits with him are precious. Also remind him how much him being there more often would mean to your grandpa.

If this gets through to him, great. If not, you tried your best and you have to accept that you aren’t able to control what your brother does or doesn’t do. If you can’t visit your grandpa more often, see if you can call more frequently or send cards and notes of encouragement. See if FaceTime or Skype is an option. Do whatever you can to let your grandpa know that you’re thinking of him and he’s not been forgotten. These little gestures will probably mean the world to him.

Good luck,

Mary Pat