Trying To Give August Some Love

I have always felt bad for the month of August. Every other month of the year includes a significant holiday; some months contain several significant holidays. But the closest August comes to a significant holiday is V-J Day and the vast majority of our population, I’m afraid, have no idea what this day is or what it commemorates.

There are a few months that are almost as bad off as August. The month of April, for example, has only April Fools Day, my birthday, and tax day (who said the holiday had to be an uplifting one?). And June doesn’t really have anything except…the Summer Solstice, though the onset of summer is always a big deal, particularly when you live halfway to the North Pole. But poor August sits between July with its Independence Day celebration and September with its Labor Day weekend/unofficial end of summer parties, with nothing of significance occurring on a national level.

Of course, it’s not that August isn’t trying – consider that as a whole, August is Admit You’re Happy Month, Family Fun Month, National Catfish Month, National Eye Exam Month, National Golf Month, Peach Month, Romance Awareness Month, Water Quality Month, and National Picnic Month. Once again, however, August falls short. There is nothing in the list above that has the same cachet as June’s Dairy Month or February’s Black History Month. And what the heck is Romance Awareness anyway?

And it doesn’t get any better for August when we look at the individual weeks. Consider this lame list (presented in order for August’s four weeks): National Simplify Your Life Week, National Smile Week, National Friendship Week, and National Be Kind to Humankind Week. Not only is there nothing to be excited about here but doesn’t it seem to you that the last three – Smile, Friendship, and Be Kind to Humankind – are all pretty much the same thing. And if you are going to have a National Simplify Your Life Week, shouldn’t it be the last week in August when you are preparing to ship the kids back to school or off to college? That’s how you simplify your life!

Unfortunately, the situation doesn’t get any better when we look at individual days. August 1st is National Mustard Day, brought to us courtesy of the National Mustard Museum in Mount Horeb, Wisconsin. The only way I can think of to celebrate National Mustard Day is to consume some type of encased meat. Thus, here in Wisconsin, brats should be a featured meal on August 1st, served in a brat bun (never a hot dog bun!) garnished only with the mustard of your choice. Outside of Wisconsin, almost any type of encased meat will work, from hot dogs to Thuringers – just as long as you don’t contaminate the encased meat with catsup (or ketchup, if you prefer).

August 5th is Work Like a Dog Day, a day set aside to honor those who work really, really hard when they are at work. The individuals honored on this day should not be confused with workaholics who are constantly working but may not be working terribly hard. Those honored on this day are the ones who, while they are working, apply every effort to whatever task is set before them…and are probably paid at, or just above, the minimum wage.

August 8th is Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day. Let’s face it, everyone who grows zucchini ends up with way more than any one family can consume. In fact, we all know someone who has tried to foist surplus zucchini from their garden into our hands (and mouths). In August the break rooms in workplaces across the country find bags or baskets of zucchini set on tables in the hopes that some fellow worker will take some home. Thus, there is considerable logic to this day – if you can’t get someone to willing take some zucchini off your hands just dump a pile of it on the neighbor’s porch, ring the doorbell, and run off. Now the stupid vegetable is your neighbor’s problem!

August 18th is Bad Poetry Day, created by the people at wellcat.com. Their premise arose from the idea of getting some high school friends together to write awful poetry, which they would then send to their former high school English teacher. Today, there are a multitude of sites on the Internet that celebrate (?) really bad poetry. In fact, one writer organized a Putrid Poetry Contest when I was writing this column in the Door Reminder. I received some dreadful poetry, which made choosing the sinner difficult but after long consideration Fran Burton emerged victorious. After all, any poem that includes the image “the tiramisu sky” is going to be very tough to beat.

And finally, on August 29th we can celebrate “More Herbs, Less Salt Day,” another celebration created by the people at wellcat.com (who have copyrighted most of these days, presumably on the off chance that there is money to be made from their creations). The notion behind this day is that herb harvesting is reaching its peak, making this a great time to season your next meal with fresh herbs from your garden. Unfortunately, wellcat.com provides very little other information regarding how this day should be celebrated, leaving it to us to devise our own festivities. Of course my mind wonders how “More Herbs, Less Salt Day” is celebrated in states like Colorado, Alaska, Washington or Oregon.

In reviewing the paragraphs I have just written, and having surveyed the list of August “Days” not included above, I suspect that you have reached the same conclusion that I have reached: we can try to love August, but it seems unlikely that August will ever love us in return.