Article posted Tuesday, January 4, 2011 1:58pm

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Great spasms on your TV screen which do not match those on your cell phone are an indication that your petition to become Chicago’s next mayor is being held up at the state level.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Stop whatever you are doing at this crucial moment and call your dentist who may have an important message from your relatives. Indications point to an extended visit.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Discover inner power this month which will propel you to a new discovery that your wardrobe should be replaced. Try tap dancing while your house is being aired out.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your best friend will present you with the solution to financial distress. Be certain that your dog has had his annual shampoo before visiting Aunt Clara.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Astrological signs will guide your every step this season. You can stride confident that no one will notice that you are wearing jeans that were manufactured in North Korea.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): This is decision time in your quest to become the new role model for America’s youth. Show them that you can balance your checkbook while texting your entire graduating class with an optimistic message.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Look to the sky in the direction of Pluto where signals directed only at you are forming. You will learn secrets and be sent a ten-pound container of fat-free caramel fudge in a lard formula.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The horoscope you received last celestial period was found to be received on faulty equipment. Disregard all instructions and do not act on commands unless verified by your palmist.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Take evasive moves and continue to wear plaids during daylight hours. The tall stranger lurking at your dentist’s office should be of no concern, but avoid aldermen from the largest city in Illinois.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Do not let cosmic dust cloud your vision or keep you from entering the “Biggest Loser” contest for 2011. Remember, this is your year to excel, with gravitation forces removed from your path.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your future is bright. Read the signs in the heavens as your palmist cannot help you and your wardrobe is a total mess. Keep Lindsay Lohan’s book on how to succeed on your bedstand.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Agents from the hit show Total Makeover will be calling you. Take your cue from the positions of Jupiter and Mars and pay no attention to the man behind the curtain who drives a 1996 Buick.