RePulse: Door County News Briefs

Coffee Shop Hipster Thinks He’s Better Than You

EPHRAIM, WI—Area hipster Nicholas Easton, whose tussled blond hair, disarming sense of humor, and nonconformist worldview are all completely ironic, totally thinks he’s better than you are. Just look at the way he’s sipping that organic, single origin cup of coffee while reading the latest news from Al Jazeera on his iPad 2. “Would you like to contribute $10 to a collection I’ve undertaken for the tsunami relief effort in Japan?” asks the self-absorbed hipster, who probably has an entire closet full of mesh John Deer caps in his filthy apartment. As you hand over your donation, he sweeps a greasy lock of blond hair away from his eyes, which elicits a blush from the gorgeous barista who you’ve had a crush on forever. “Thanks, man – you really made a difference in someone’s life today,” says Easton, whose quirky smile almost wins you over before you remember you want him to die.

Man With Kayak on Car Has Never Actually Been Kayaking

LAKE FOREST, IL—Despite driving around with a kayak strapped to the roof of his Lexus LX since 2007, attorney Ray Jagodowski has never actually been kayaking before. “Owning a kayak helps you remember what’s important in life,” said Jagodowski, 53, who purchased the still-unused Delta 16 kayak strapped atop his SUV with intentions of ‘getting back in shape’ and ‘testing his limits.’ “The next time I take the wife and kids up to Door County, I could launch from Nicolet Bay, paddle out to Horseshoe Island, and just get away from it all,” said the attorney, referring to an island he has only ever seen from the mainland. Jagodowski, a self-described ‘fitness enthusiast,’ also houses a mint condition 1993-era Nordic-Track in the basement of his suburban home. Reports of an unused set of TaylorMade Burner 2.0 irons stored in a hall closet could not be confirmed.