Why Is It…?

“Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university professor over the last 15 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q: Why is it that so many people struggle with feelings of depression around the holidays?

Why is it that I always begin feeling blue as the holiday season approaches? Most of the year, I am basically fine. But from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day, I find myself feeling sad and depressed instead of happy and energetic. To tell you the truth, I really can’t wait for the whole holiday season to just be over with!

A: “Tis the season to be jolly!” – or so the lyric goes. But for many, the holiday season can bring about more angst than joy. The causes for this counter-intuitive reaction are many and varied, but most have reasonable explanations that relate to our social lives and contexts.

It seems that earlier and earlier each year, the media and business establishments begin their annual barrage of commercials and promotions that emphasize the “ideal” holiday depiction of traditional family gatherings, celebrations, song and laughter. For those of us lucky enough to have been raised in the “Very Brady Christmas” style, the constant exposure to these flawlessly wholesome holiday expectations is welcome and anticipated with open arms. However, for those who have experienced family dysfunctions, broken homes, or the loss of a loved one, this steady stream of “joyous stimuli” can cut like a knife – especially when compared to our own current or past interpersonal relationships (or the lack there of).

When I was a little girl, my father became very ill and went into the hospital a week or so before Christmas. Sadly, he passed away a few weeks later without ever returning home. For several years afterwards (and long into my adulthood), I always became very sad around the holidays. This “anniversary reaction” is a typical response, in that I associated the time of year with my loss. It wasn’t until my professional training as a psychologist that I was able to label and understand the root of my sorrow. Because most of us have dealt with very difficult family dynamics at times, the stark contrast between our own personal realities and mass commercial expectations only serves to emphasize our social conflicts and perceived failings – often leading to feelings of emptiness and isolation.

Being a capitalist society, American Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations tend to be highly materialistic – requiring an ample supply of disposable funds to meet or exceed our culture’s commercial standard of the “ideal” holiday season. Especially in our current economic crises, these expectations of elaborate feasts and gift giving put a strain on even the most stable of finances. For those struggling financially (and who isn’t), inadequacy and guilt replace feelings of joy and celebration as we agonize about how we can make ends meet without disappointing our loved ones. When my son was in college, he would visit every Christmas. Like most college students, he had no money to spend on even the most modest of gifts. One Christmas, he arrived to find a pile of gifts beneath our Christmas tree and felt overwhelmed with feelings of shame and inadequacy.

“Wow! I really feel bad,” he said. “I don’t have very much to offer the family this year.”

But when I presented my mother with my first wrapped gift for her, his feelings of despair quickly dissolved. Much to my son’s surprise, she was thrilled with her oversized box full of Hefty garbage bags (don’t ask)!

“Well…I guess I don’t feel so bad anymore,” my son laughed.

Unfortunately, life’s struggles can not be conveniently scheduled to avoid the holidays. Illness, divorce, unemployment, and other personal losses may often coincide with the holiday season. And feeling compelled to “put on a happy face” in the midst of personal sorrow can easily lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and even avoidance of family and friends. For those feeling blue this holiday season, remember that life’s realities are not always joyous and carefree. In our quick-fix, pill-popping culture, it is important to realize that feelings of sadness can be reasonable and necessary reactions to life’s difficulties.

So this holiday season, focus on your blessings instead of your checkbook. Wrap gifts of unconditional love in warm and open embraces that acknowledge and reassure the distraught. And the next time you see that “Asti-Spumante” commercial (and you will), raise your glass in celebration of that which is life itself and remember…“tis the season to be yourself!”