Horoscopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): The unusual markings on the surface of your grilled cheese should not be over-thought. The $9.95 price tag on this sandwich, however, should be.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): With spring beginning to sprout, so too are the horns on your head.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You get a bad rep being a “glass half empty” person, but you are correct in pointing out that you shouldn’t be discriminated against for liking air.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’ve often wanted to write your Congressman. This month, accomplish the deed by teaching yourself to write sentences with both subjects and verbs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A giant Cheerio will flatten you, but it will not make for good cinema.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Just a heads up: the treasure you buried in the back yard is getting moldy.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): With Idaho now in retrograde, lay off the potatoes.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your lucky exercise this week is the ab crunch which, unfortunately, bears absolutely no similarity whatsoever to Captain Crunch.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): A Disney character will appear at your doorstep the day after April Fool’s, triggering a lively debate about who the real fool is.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Tempted as you may be, do not use scissors to cut the colored wires.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You suspected that your new dating Web site would draw the attention of clowns and IRS workers, but you’ll be totally unprepared to realize this is actually the same demographic.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A spinach omelet will hit the spot during Wednesday’s dental appointment.