Horoscopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You’ll likely observe this Valentine’s Day with a carton Girl Scout cookies and a box of tissues. But hey, there’s always Sweetest Day to look forward to.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Some snow flurries will cause blurred vision, but a blow dryer to your eye lashes should alleviate the problem swiftly.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): An extremely large computer file will grow a brain and begin to offer unsolicited but useful advice. Draw the line, though, when it begins making romantic overtures.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A co-worker clearly wishes to be left alone so this week give it a rest. Not everyone likes to rap along to your endless medley.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A ferocious sneeze will end a hitherto harmonious roommate situation.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Remember, calculators cannot be trusted.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): As the week progresses you will develop a fondness for marine life. Sadly, the marine life will not develop a fondness for you.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): They say that lightning never strikes in the same place twice, but this metaphor will not apply to the actions of your hairdresser. Go buy some hats.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Break out of your rut and move to Bermuda. Or, just start a new exercise regime.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Eating your vegetables has never been such a good idea, especially because they are buried beneath a scrumptious chocolate sundae.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): This month, you will gaze upon Lake Michigan and marvel aloud, “Man. This is a great lake.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Checking your bank account every four to six hours is not likely to increase the total dollars you see. But, attempting to work four to six hours a day could make a huge difference.