Leo (July 23 – August 22): As your horoscope period arrives, take every precaution. Do not operate heavy machinery. World domination will soon be within your grasp. Note that you are low on multi-grain cereal.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will be a contender for soufflé cook at the Valmy bake-offs. No Jello-O substitutes this year. Celestial signs will signal when you can increase your exercise program to four minutes every other day.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Watch Mars and the orbit of Flumus 253 as you will soon get the new wardrobe of your dreams. Take your old clothes to Scand late at night and leave them at the door to avoid identification with those garments.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): When your dog howls in this important phase of the cosmos, consult with a different palm reader. There will be no garbage pick-up during the solar eclipse, so prepare for the worst.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your cable TV provider will interfere with the monthly instructions coming from Venus that guide your every step towards graduation from driver’s ed. Insist that your grocer have rental movies available this month.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): The man behind the curtain is an imposter and you should avoid left turns. Now that the U.S. Space Program has ended, send your messages to your host star by snail mail with extra postage.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You will discover a medium-sized hunk of metal in your tomato garden. Examine it closely as it may have fallen into your garden, from Jupiter or it is the remains of your former neighbor’s lawn mower.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Prepare yourself in the next cosmic period by taking more frequent showers and watching additional John Wayne movies. You should wear suspenders when using Uncle Ted’s flak pants.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): In the crucial month, discard your day-glow lime cocktail circuit outfit and wear purple to every event except when meeting your parole officer. You will be notified when your plumber is convicted.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Flickering lights from the direction of Carlsville will be the first sign that your application to be an astronaut is under consideration. Chances improve greatly if you weigh in about forty pounds lighter.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): New information will be available to you, detailing your inheritance of the entire Ephraim wetlands. Look to a meeting of Saturn, Neptune, and Fluglehorn before attempting to evict tourists from the property.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your horoscope was still in transmission from outer space when the Pulse deadline arrived first. To obtain this vital information, send four hundred dollars to Horoscope, Box 3477, Ellison Bay, Wisconsin. No out of state checks, please.