Horoscopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your fabric is over-softened, Aquarius. A little less snuggle and a little more starch is well starred.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The oil gushing in the Gulf of Mexico has brought on great anxiety. The only real positive is that it’s a nice break from your other anxieties, which were becoming quite tiresome.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You shall soon hit your head on a door frame, but we’re all hopeful this will knock some sense into you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): It seems that lately you’ve been surrounded by unhappy people. Do your best to ignore them, and if you become desperate, put your fingers in your ears and chant, “la la la la” until the baddies get the hint and go away.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A rotten apple is spoiling the bunch, but keep in mind that the worm is very content right where he is.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your lucky mode of travel this week is by camel.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): An arachnid will weave a word in a web over your bed. That word will likely be “Redneck.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): It is true you feel invincible, but good money is on electricity winning that fight.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You will waste several minutes trying to decide what weather that sleeveless turtleneck is intended for.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Shopping carts and engines, together, will make you famous.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A trendy person will seem less so after you “inadvertently” spill your Gatorade on them.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): With the television series Lost now concluded, you have a large gaping hole in your life. But, with Saturn in retrograde, you are likely to meet another Lost fanatic on E-harmony’s free weekend promo event.