Letter to the Editor: King Donald the First

Mr. President: Has it really been a little more than 500 days and counting since you made us “Great Again” by your own magnanimous presence? I am in awe, Sir, at the speed with which you have brought about peace and prosperity around the world. Old enemies like Vlad Putin and Kim Jung-un are our new besties, while those “fake friends” that Obama liked to pal around with (England, France, Germany, Canada and Mexico) have been shown the back of your tiny hand. You warned us that we would get tired of “winning,” but few among us, even your most worshipful supporters, could have believed it would happen so quickly.

The list of your many accomplishments is so long and varied that I can’t name them right now, but I trust that you can and if we are especially good and loyal, you will tweet some for us. We await, Sir, your every tweet as starving refugees await deportation – with anticipation bordering on desperation.

The dizzying pace of your administration, with more twists and turns than a wind-blown comb-over, makes me wish that Sarah Huckabee Sanders could begin each daily briefing with a recap of what happened in previous episodes. That way we could keep track of who is doing what to whom and why. This Melania sub-plot is a spellbinder, Sir; when will she turn up next? And adding Rudy Giuliani to the cast was a true inspiration. He’s kind of a cross between Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci and Uncle Fester from The Addams Family. Of course, asking him to play your lawyer might have been too much of a stretch unless you intended him to act as comic relief all along. At this point, Mr. President, who would dare question your motives or genius?

As for “Spygate” and “Deep State” and “Stormy” and “the Mueller Witch Hunt” and “Russian Collusion” – whew, it’s hard to keep it all straight. Does “Spygate” go with “Deep State” or “the Witch Hunt”? Is “Stormy” part of the pee tape or “Spygate”? And is Melania currently hiding in “Deep State” or off somewhere with “Stormy”? And where are Donald, Jr., Eric, Jerod, Ivanka, and Kellyanne? Are they all in “Collusion” or is “Collusion” just a clever diversion from your financial dealings with Russia? Inquiring minds want to know, Sir.

I know you have been dissatisfied with the Justice Department, the FBI, and the CIA because they have these ridiculous and quaint “ideas” that they serve the constitution and the rule of law. Can’t you just issue an executive order, Mr. President, getting rid of them? You could easily replace them all with one bureau – say, the “Trump Intelligence Tactical Squad” – that could cut to the chase and throw all guilty parties, beginning with the Democrats and ending with the Fake News media, straight into prison where they belong. You could then order Attorney General Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions to form a work detail, like he did when he was the chain gang warden in Cool Hand Luke, and make these traitors build the wall we “Real Americans” all want. With hard work, it should be finished just before your coronation as King Donald the First in 2020! You could be crowned standing upon it, with your millions of adoring supporters chanting your name! Won’t that be a first term finale for the history books?

Respectfully,

Mike Orlock

Sturgeon Bay, Wis.