Manners Matter: The Polite Way to Deal with a Grandstander

Dear Mary Pat,

A group of my friends and I all went out to dinner a couple of weeks ago. We all go out frequently together with the exception of one guy “Joe.” Joe paid for his drinks at the bar and made sure to keep his expenses separate from the group tab. The rest of us are used to going out together and don’t have any issues figuring out the bill at the end of the night. If anything, we’re usually fighting over who will treat. It’s a very generous group of people. Even though Joe was new to this group, he was the recipient of this generosity when one of the other guys took care of the entire dinner before the bill even arrived at the table. Joe protested and tried to give money to “Jack” and Jack refused. Since Jack is generous to a fault, I know that he included a very hefty tip to our waitress. Everything was settled and we were all enjoying an after-dinner drink at the bar when Joe went back to our table where the waitress was clearing the plates away. I saw him give her some cash and pat her hand and smile. I was stunned. So rude! He walks over like big man on campus and gives her an extra $10 or $20, which is such an insult to Jack. I think I’m the only one who noticed this gesture. Am I overreacting? Or should I have called Joe out on this? It’s been sticking in my craw.

Signed,

Joe Don’t Know

Sister Bay, Wis.

Dear Joe Don’t Know,

It might seem like no big deal and I’m sure the waitress was happy to have an extra tip, but it was inappropriate. If it was a matter of Jack under-tipping or the waitress going out of her way to do something specifically for Joe (taking lots of pictures or writing a recipe down or arranging for a safe ride home) that would be one thing, but this was a grandstanding gesture even though not everyone saw it. Joe was trying to get more credit than he deserved. The polite thing to do would have been to leave the tip discreetly on the table if he really felt so inclined.

I wouldn’t bother saying anything now since it was a couple of weeks ago. I would, however, definitely say something if it ever happens again. Joe could use a little schooling on social graces.

Good luck,

Mary Pat