that some parents insist on trying to control the lives of their adult children?

“Why Is It…?” was designed by Dr. Steiner to address readers’ questions about human behavior from a social psychological perspective in order to inform and stimulate dialogue about the ways in which our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are influenced by the presence of other people. Dr. Steiner holds a Ph.D. in Applied Social Psychology. In addition to working as a university educator over the last 17 years, she conducts individual and group consultations in matters of social relationships and behavior. Readers are invited to submit their questions anonymously in one paragraph or less to Dr. Steiner at [email protected].

Q: Why is it that some parents insist on trying to control the lives of their adult children? My adult friend has parents who are constantly trying to control every aspect of his life, causing my friend to feel very restricted, bitter and unhappy. Why don’t his parents just let him live his own life and accept and love him for who he is?

A: The situation you describe is found in many parental/adult-child relationships, and as you indicate, can be quite difficult for adult children, as well as their friends and intimate partners.

When bringing children into the world, it’s normal and necessary for us to tend to their every need. Parents are responsible for ensuring that their children are protected and well cared for – with anything less being considered negligence. However, as the child matures, parents must adjust their level of care and supervision to accommodate for the child’s increasing level of individuality and degree of independence. After all, once children “grow wings,” so to speak, the time comes to leave the proverbial nest and fly. In fact, one of the primary measures of successful parenting is the degree of self-sufficiency a child internalizes as they mature.

But the process of scaling back on our parental oversight, scrutiny and control can be a bitter-sweet process – with some parents adjusting more easily than others. Many parents attach tremendous weight to their roles as mentors, educators and protectors, having devoted decades to shaping their children’s values, conduct and aspirations. In some cases, parents have difficulty “cutting the apron strings” – trusting that their many years of diligence and dedication have translated fully into their adult children.

Except in cases of serious dysfunction or abuse, most parents are well intentioned and only want what’s “best” for their children. However, it’s important to realize that a parent’s perception of what’s “best” is not, and should not, be the defining factor in how adult children choose to live their lives. As is often the case, many parent’s notions are eventually challenged by the adult child’s individuality and personal goals. And this contrast may leave some parents feeling alienated, disrespected and disenfranchised.

However, it’s important to remember that, as a child matures, our roles as parents must also mature. Rather than seeing to their meals, health-care, education and security – parents must assume new roles as friends, advisors and consultants – offering opinions and assistance, only when asked. When parents impose, regulate or force their wishes upon their adult children, the bond of trust and communication deteriorates – as the children, understandably, assert their own demands for independence and respect.

In some cases, parents refuse to “let go” of their stronghold for reasons of over-protectiveness. Parents may fear that their adult child won’t be “safe” unless they provide guidance, direction and/or resources. Others may actually “tighten their grip” in reaction to the distancing that necessarily comes with the child’s maturity.

Some parents, who have used an authoritarian, “dictatorship” style of parenting, have relied upon a system of rewards and punishments as responses to desirable and undesirable behaviors. As the child matures into adulthood, some parents increase the standard fare of parental incentives and coercions – in order to exert the perceived control they wish to maintain over their children’s lives.

Still others attempt to control the choices their children make due to their own unrequited dreams. Many parents who harbor heartfelt regret over the choices made in their own lives, attempt to live vicariously through their children, viewing their child’s youthfulness as a “second chance” at succeeding at their own failed goals. At times, parents may try to impose occupational choices upon their children to satisfy their own egoistic needs for legacy (as in continuing the family business or following in the footsteps of earlier generations).

But ultimately, we are all only entitled to govern the destiny of one life – our own – and we haven’t the right to impose our judgments on the chosen destiny of others – especially those of our children. In the prophetic words of Kahlil Gibran: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

Lastly, while parents should never appoint themselves as the designated drivers of their children’s destinies, if approached with love, respect and unconditional positive regard, they may just find themselves as welcome, invited and valued passengers along their journey.