Horoscopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): The team you hired to “manscape” you will likely revolt before week’s end and, frankly, they can’t be blamed.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): It’s obvious you have a thing for male figure skater’s costumes. What’s less obvious is why you think we we’re willing to see you wear them in public.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): The groundhog saw his shadow this year, but let’s face it. You wouldn’t have come out of your cave until June anyway.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your freckle, once a curse, will achieve new respect as the only part of your body unburned after Tuesday’s tanning session.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A happy surprise, probably of the “gem” or “tax refund” variety, awaits you at the bottom of your cereal box.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Three wishes granted won’t be nearly enough to reverse the horror that was your American Idol audition.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): After last night’s bizarre occurrences, you are correct in wondering, “Was that my congressman riding a mechanical bull in a pink tutu?”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A home science experiment will end poorly next week with popcorn and marshmallows ending up not only on your microwave’s interior, but also deeply lodged in your dog’s fur.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): A frustrating computer glitch is likely the handiwork of either your evil cousin Larry or the Keebler elves.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): For the record, no, the flap of a butterfly’s wings cannot be felt a thousand miles away. You’ll need a huge fan to accomplish that goal.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your ape-like tendencies are continually verified with the incessant use of your opposable thumbs.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): More ab crunches for you, Capricorn. It’s the only way.