Horoscopes

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The gap between your two front teeth will serve as an apt measuring tool when judging Monday’s long jump contest.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  Your sandwich fetish has gone too far. Never again should you serve guests “baloney-toothpaste-chocolate-sauce-sammiches” if you have any hope of remaining alive.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):  Instead of your usual game of raquetball, instead play “Raquelball” by taping a picture of Raquel Welch to the ball.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  A ho-ho, or possibly a ding-dong, shall soon become lodged in your car’s middle console.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  Flurries are in your future. Grab a parka and some dandruff shampoo.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  Show that back-to-school spirit by buying some new pencils and then flicking them at your sibling.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  A lover’s spat will end poorly, particularly since you don’t like to be spat on.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Plaid is back! Celebrate this fact by renting your favorite John Wayne movie. Also, plaid tights are the best way to make your ads look taller and larger, so use them liberally.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):  Aries, you shall soon arise to erase an iris.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  More stretching and Spandex at the office are going to clinch that promotion you’ve been hoping for. Well done!

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):  The troll that lives in your basement will soon demand that you comply with union rules. Ante up or you will pay a bitter price.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):  Your lucky breed of dog this week is the Pomeranian. Carry one with you at all times, even if it is stuffed.